Any Excuse for New Shoes

On January 1, like millions of others, I decided that this year would be different. I was going to lose weight, eat better and exercise more often.

However, I can’t just say that to myself and expect to be successful. I need to be held accountable. I need someone (or several someones) to encourage me and push me. The last time I went public with my fitness goal was the Met Square stairclimb in March 2009. I trained with a friend and walked all 42 flights of stairs in a respectable time of 11 minutes. That’s also the last point I remember where I’ve really felt good about my body and my level of health. I’ve gained 20 pounds since then.

When I was younger, I hated running. When we had to run in gym class, I’d usually forge a note from my mom that I should be excused because I had malaria or something exotic. No, not really, but I wanted to.

Now I find myself, dare I say it, enjoying my time on the treadmill. I like watching the display show me how long I’ve ran and how far I’ve gone. I like setting the incline up high and working my badonkadonk. I know there are running purists who say running on a dreadmill isn’t the same as running outside, enjoying the fresh air, etc. Well, to you I say baby steps, people. I’m currently working on running for 15 minutes without slowing my pace to walk, and upping my pace from a 22 minute mile. Hell, I can walk a mile faster than that. Besides, there is snow on the ground and it’s cold outside now. Let me get to a point that I don’t embarrass myself before I go public with this running thing.

And so, because I can’t just run in my basement alone, oh no, I committed myself to running the St. Patrick’s Day 5 mile run in March. Oy. Vey. I was hoping for a 5K to start but as my running buddies pointed out, it’s just 1.8 miles more, piece of cake. Mmm, cake…

So! I have running buddies, I have a training sheet and I have two months from tomorrow to work up to this. I can do it. I want to do it. I feel good about it. Here I go!

If It Makes You Happy

After yesterday’s disappointment, I wanted to do something to shake off the bad and make me happy again. My first thought would normally be shoe therapy, but my wallet is pretty thin after Christmas, and a certain red-headed child has a birthday in a couple of weeks, so I have to fund her party, AND a present or two. The things I do for her, I tell ya.

Cooking makes me happy, so I decided to make a nice dinner, complete with dessert. I decided on chicken marsala, fettuccine alfredo, garlic bread and red velvet cake for dessert. From start to finish it took about 45 minutes, including the cake, but it was a mix. Yeah, I went quick and easy, but it was still delish. But if you want the recipes for the chicken and past, pop over here to that cooking blog I started, oh, about a year ago. You can even be jealous of my pasta pot that I got for Christmas.

Another thing that makes me happy is my little red-headed girl, because she says the funniest things sometimes, generally when she’s not trying to be amusing. As I was watching Reality Bites, she happened to wander through the living room. She watched for a bit then asked “when was this movie made?” I said “in the 90s, why?” Incredulously she asked, “Wow, they had Pringles back then?” I said “it was the 1990s, not the 1890s!” She replied “well, I didn’t know when they were invented!” Yes, Maddy, Pringle technology is cutting edge stuff.

Later, were talking about Star Wars, and she said “you know where the guy says ‘Luke, I am your faaaaaaather?’ Well, for a long time I thought he was saying ‘Look, I am your faaaaaather.’ I never understood why that was a big deal. Then last year I got it. ” Oh honey, you are so precious. Please never stop making me laugh.

And today this made me happy - THE BEST NEWS EVAH!!- the Star Wars movies are coming out on Blu-Ray DVD in September! Wheeeee!! I cannot wait and yes, I have preordered mine on Amazon (but only the originals – I don’t get into the prequels), and yes I am a geek. Just ask my husband – he tells me all the time. For example, we were talking about Star Trek and how the futuristic technology on the TV show has actually inspired a lot of our current gadgetry. I was getting into the conversation and I started to talk about how warp worked and whether we could ever experience it, and he interrupted and said “are you really explaining that to me?” “Yes, I thought you wanted to know.” He said “no, not really. You’re such a geek.” And then I hit him. But he still makes me happy, even though he thinks I’m weird.

Of course, you know shoes make me happy. Today I am featured on Jodifur’s Shoe Friday. These are the only flats that I own. I looked forever for flats that didn’t have bows or tassels on them. I figured if I was going to wear flats, they better be bad-ass, because that’s what I am – a bad-ass. ::commence all 10 of my readers to burst into hysterical laughter::

And now I’ve made you happy. My work here is done.

A Different Approach

Over the past months, I have written several posts expressing my feelings about the lack of a decision in our court case. Generally I have written those posts mere minutes after I receive the news that there will be no news. Generally I am very angry at that time. Generally it takes me a day or two to rebound from the news, even though I know in my heart of hearts that I shouldn't let it get to me, I'm strong, I can survive another month of waiting, I've got a great support group, I've got vodka, I'll be okay. Eventually.

Today I'm writing before I hear the news. Maybe doing something different will help us get a different answer today.

The last time the court failed to come to a decision was December 6. We were told the next meeting was January 6. That's today.

After being devasted in December, I made a decision. I was not going to waste the next month worrying about it. I told myself that I could worry when I woke up this morning, and not a minute sooner. I even envisioned seven men and women in black judicial robes sitting in a room, and I imagined myself closing the door on that room and walking away. (Whether or not I stuck my tongue out at the door and made immature gestures as I left is between me and my brain).

The holidays helped to distract me, but it was harder to keep centered this week. However, when I found my thoughts wandering toward that door, I pictured it closed, double locked and barricaded. And I mentally walked away (calmly, with dignity and class. Kinda.) Amazingly enough, my chest pains ended up being fewer and far between over the past month. Survey says - Stress!! For the win!!

This morning, I allowed myself to open that door. I was nervous at first, but it quickly went away. I felt calmer this time. I had a few chest twinges, but by the time I left for work, I felt okay. I won't lie, I'm a little edgy. But nothing I can't deal with.

Famous last words, right? OMG! while writing this just now, my cell phone rang. I always take it out when I get to work, and put it on my desk on vibrate and of course today I forgot and it's playing Linus and Lucy at top volume and I know it's in here SOMEWHERE!!! AHA!- wait, who the hell is this - a frakin telemarketer. Are you kidding me? Great, I just dumped my purse on the floor under my desk for a sales call. So much for the do-no-call list - thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

I emailed my (incredibly patient, supportive and understanding) husband today and told him that I had been nervous but would probably wind up being pissed off by the end of the day. I also said I kind of wished I just started off pissed, because that's probably where I was headed. He replied that he didn't know if it was because he's getting used to the situation, but he wasn't expecting to be upset, that if anything he would be surprised when they made their decision.

And maybe that's where I am too. And it scares me, because as much as I'd like to say "whatever, court dudes, call me when you're ready," it makes me wonder if I don't care anymore. And I don't want to not care, because I do care, and I don't want to do my kids a disservice by becoming complacent about this. As much as I know it's not personal and tell myself not to take it as a personal attack when the court doesn't rule, I'm sorry but I do. It hurts, and it makes me angry that they are disrepecting my children by putzing around. It makes me angry that the trooper will probably get a ruling on his worker's comp case before we do. It makes me angry that we even have to go through this hell, and every month we're discovering a new and exciting circle of hell while we wait.

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. I don't want to be indifferent to this. I hate this waiting.

ETA - just got word. No decision again. Next meeting is February 10.

Neglect

'Tis the season to neglect, apparently, since I intepreted the term "holiday" to mean "eat an entire bag of peanut brittle in one sitting," or "forget to include vegetables in your diet," or "put on your exercise pants because your jeans are too tight."

I'm an equal opportunity neglector. I didn't just neglect my health, oh no. My furniture is currently being protected from winter's harsh cold by an nice layer of dust. I think my carpets are being shielded in the same fashion by dog hair.

With the cold and snow, I've been wearing boots and closed-toed shoes. When I get home, I wear some of my new fuzzy socks*. Therefore, if I don't see my woefully chipped toenails, they don't exist, right?

I see epic house cleaning and a pedicure on the horizon.

Last night I realized that my rubber plant is down to one leaf. One. I overwatered it last month, and then as I let it dry out, I forgot to water the other 8 plants in my house. After I remedied that situation, I heard them sigh with relief, and then they thanked me and asked if I could kindly remember to give them a drink more often, to hell with the drowning rubber plant. I am a bad plant mommy.

So, like millions of other people, I resolved to eat better and exercise more. So far so good. But it's only Wednesday. Baby steps, folks. However, I already feel 100% better than I did during the last few weeks, but maybe it's because I got over my cold or maybe because I survived another Christmas, another birthday for Kelli, another month without my two blondies. I start another year, hoping that we will get a resolution sooner than later.

All I Want For Christmas

I don’t remember making a Christmas list as a child. I don’t remember my mom asking me what I wanted, and I don’t remember seeing any advertisements on TV and hollering “Mom, MOM!! Come see hurry up this is what I was telling you about it’s the coolest thing ever MOMOOOOOMMMM!!” That may also be due in part to the fact that when I was a child we had four channels, only one of which – PBS – showed children’s programming on a daily basis. Also, once Mr. Rogers was over I was booted off the TV so my mom could watch Dinah Shore and Another World.

My parents (and by that I mean “my mom,” because my dad was always just as surprised as we were) always made sure we had pretty cool gifts mixed in with our practical ones, like socks and underwear. I carried on that tradition with my girls, because it was usually the one present I’d let them open on Christmas Eve. I love being a mean mommy.

Last week as Maddy was trolling the interwebs looking for new and exciting Wii games to add to her Christmas list, I jokingly asked her at what point she might ask me for my Christmas list. As I gave her a few ideas, she asked that I email her the list and then she and Craig would go shopping.

So, here is what I asked for:

Fuzzy socks. As much as I love shoes, I hate wearing them around the house. Slippers make my feet sweat. I also have a strong redneck streak and tend to wander around barefoot, even in the winter. And I don’t like wearing just socks without shoes. Consequently, my feet are always freezing. So, one year Craig bought me some hot pink soft fuzzy socks and I love them – they are warm without making me sweat, comfortable without making me feel like I’m wearing socks, and I can run outside to the garage without putting on shoes. However, I only have one pair right now, so I’d like more.

Star Trek Movies or TV Episodes. I am unabashed in my love for Captains Kirk and Picard, and all things Enterprise-related. I would love to have the original TV episodes, and need to buy the movie DVDs. As there are so many, I thought this would be a good suggestion that could also be used for Valentine’s Day, my birthday, Mother’s Day, Arbor Day, etc. I’m considerate like that.

An Oval Pasta Pot. I saw this on Rachael Ray’s show, and then I found one that matches my existing cookware. It’s an oval pot so when you cook long pasta, such as spaghetti or fettuccini, you don’t have to a) stand there while the water is boiling and slowly smush the pasta into the pot or b) break it in half. Genius! One more thing I wish I’d invented.

Philosophy Bath Gel. I am running low on my pineapple coconut bath gel, which smells so delish and reminds me of summer. I suggested either the margarita or the daiquiri scents. However, since this requires a trip to the mall, I doubt I’ll get it.

Earbuds. Because I am a dork, I cut the cord of my earbuds with my three-hole punch. I know, I know, you’re wondering how in the world I managed that? Well, first, I am a dork, and second, my desk was crowded and as I was punching holes in documents to put them in a binder, the cord got hung under the paper and with one pass of the punch, they were in two pieces. Now I have to listen to my co-workers.

And that was it. So, what was on your list?

Scrooged

I’m not a huge fan of The Holidays. Yeah, yeah, I know – It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year. Sometimes the forced frivolity, the Christmas carols that have been playing since October, the decorations that have been in the stores since August and the incessant commercialism all makes me stabby. Maybe it’s because I’m older, or cynical, or I’ve just had too damn much loss between November and January. However, I am a private Scrooge – I don’t begrudge those of you who get a kick out of all of this, and besides, I have a child who doesn’t need to be influenced by her mother’s Bah Humbug-ness.

I wasn’t always this way – I was young and happy and carefree once upon a time. I started my Christmas list in January, and counted down the days until it was Christmas morning. My favorite gifts from my childhood were my two bikes, my Barbie Dreamhouse, and my Holly Hobby doll made with love by my mother, complete with a matching dress and bonnet in my size. As I got older, I remember getting the Saturday Night Fever album (my dad was into country - thank God my mom was a disco fan), and every year a bottle of Love’s Baby Soft.

I like buying gifts for my family and friends and finding things that they don’t expect. I like taking easy-to-guess gifts, like CDs or DVDs and wrapping them in a way that makes it hard to know what’s in the box. I like matching the bows to the paper, and making ribbon curls.

I love the original Christmas TV specials, like Rudolph, Frosty and Charlie Brown, my favorite. Linus’s recitation of What Christmas Is All About still makes me tear up a little, even after 40 some-odd years.

I nag encourage my husband to hang the outside Christmas lights, which makes him laugh because I resist decorating the interior of our house until Maddy nags encourages me to bring up the Christmas boxes. He asked me this year why I was hounding him so much when I didn’t even like Christmas and I replied that I didn’t want to be That House – my lack of festiveness is a private matter, no need for the whole neighborhood to know I’m a freak.

I love the family time, even though it can be stressful to try to visit everyone in one or two days. We are lucky that most of my husband’s family lives close, and my dad is only a few hours away, so he’ll be able to drive up for Christmas Day. I’m cooking Christmas lunch this year and I’m using a retro menu. Coke ham, cherry jello salad, broccoli rice casserole made with Cheez Whiz – all the classics from my childhood.

I love the cooking and baking. I’ve given my mixer a workout over the past few weeks with sugar cookies, and I’ve made pans of fudge and peppermint bark. My pants still fit but I might want to visit the treadmill this week, just to keep them from shrinking.

I love midnight Mass – true midnight Mass, not this late afternoon/early evening trend that a lot of churches are doing. There’s something about the stillness of the world at that time of night – it’s even better if it’s snowing when you leave the church.

So, after writing all the things I do like about Christmas, maybe I’m not such a Scrooge after all. Shhh, don’t tell anyone.

Done

I’m done. I’m so done. Once again, the Court met, and once again, they failed to issue a decision. What is taking so damn long? It’s been seven months since we wrapped the court hearing, and five months since the Commissioner issued his recommendation. I thought maybe, just maybe, they’d have a heart and give us some closure before the holidays. Nope, apparently it’s too much to ask for. Merry Christmas to us once again, without Jessica and Kelli, and without any end in sight to this court ordeal.

I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I’m pretty close to the end of my tolerance.