Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Responsibility and Chocolate

I am sitting at my desk, staring a piece of chocolate goodness. I haven’t opened the plastic container, but it appears to be a brownie with chocolate frosting, drizzled in white chocolate and topped with crushed Oreos.

I don’t know why I bought it. I don’t want to eat it.

Actually, I do want to eat it, but I know won’t enjoy it. I bought it on an impulse, a fleeting hope that eating it would make me feel better. It might, for a brief few moments. After that, I’ll be beating myself up over it.

I’ve been doing so well with not gorging myself on random food, but being conscious of what I eat and when and why. Craig and I have been walking a lot, and we just joined the gym. I feel better, I’m sleeping well, and I like that I’m seeing results, both physically and emotionally.

I am an emotional eater, but I don’t always overeat. Sometimes I don’t eat at all, or limit my eating to just what I need to get through the day. When I’m nervous, I eat. Right now I’m in overeat mode, and I’m fighting it.

I’m not nervous about the wedding, at least not yet.

Tomorrow I have to convey to an Assistant Attorney General for the State of Illinois how the deaths of my daughters have shattered me. How it has affected every facet of my life.

Tomorrow I have to describe how I have struggled with anger, grief, depression, rage, sadness, emptiness and loneliness, among others. I have to illustrate Jessica and Kelli with words – their personalities, their lives, their impact on the world, and how that world is so diminished now.

I go in there tomorrow to tell this attorney that not only did I lose my daughters, but so did their father. Their siblings lost sisters. Their grandparents lost grandchildren. Family, friends, teachers, employers, community members –I am the representative of everyone who has been changed by their deaths.

I willingly shoulder this responsibility and welcome the opportunity. I know can do this.

It still makes me nervous.

I have to do them proud.


KBO said...

I'm not trying to encourage emotional eating, because I know that's a big problem for many people, but dammit, eat some chocolate. You deserve it.

You are a strong warrior. I know you are making your daughters proud every single day.

Andrea said...

My bet is they're proud of you already, and that you'll convey everything you want to and more. Thinking of you.

SusanIsk said...

Through this blog, you've not only helped the people who love your girls grieve, but you've introduced your girls to a whole new group of people. I think I speak for everyone when I say that even people who didn't know them in person know them now and miss them dearly. I hope the attorney can understand that too.

Marie said...

And you will do them proud! Because, even if you are nervous, and even if those nerves show, you are conveying truth. Nothing is more moving, more powerful than truth.

Hugs to you!

Krys72599 said...

Every one of us out here in Internet-land will be in there with you, cheering you on, bolstering you up, wiping your tears. You are a strong, articulate and eloquent writer - I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can say those words out loud.
We'll be thinking of you tomorrow.
And personally, you might just want to save that chocolate for tomorrow!!!

KetzerMusic said...

Not to get too deep into the physiology of that choice, but there are many things that the body/mind wants/needs that are in that brownie, so I say give the body what it needs at this moment, you will walk it off later.

Zip n Tizzy said...

I know the law has to be fair and balanced, but it seems so sinister that these things would need to be proven. That they're not just a given.
I'm sorry that you have to do this, but I also know you can.
As for the brownie. Just think of it as back up. If you need it. Studies show that chocolate has healing powers, don't cha know?

My Life My Life My Life said...

They are proud of you, so very proud of you. I think you buying the treat is your own test for yourself...There is a lot more power in buying the treat and NOT eating it then in just not buying it at all.

you will do it and do it well

Frogdancer said...

You'll rise to the occasion beautifully. I know you will. It's an important thing that you're doing for them, so like every other important thing that we have to do as mothers, you'll do this one. Be strong and hold your head high and go in and do them proud.

(I have high expectations of you, but that's only because I know that you'll meet them...)

And chocolate is one of the major food groups in this type of situation. I'm an educator. Would I lie to you?

Anonymous said...

Eat the chocolate, you deserve it. You are strong and every day that goes by is a testament to that strength. Praying for you and yours.

Anonymous said...

Proud of you. Thinking of you, my blog friend, and wishing you strength tomorrow...and more chocolate. Much more chocolate.

Susan said...

I'm praying for your strength right now. I follow you weekly and have admired your tenacity and heart through the last year and a half or more. Your blog is inspiring to others. I hope you ate the chocolate.

Brian Uhl said...


I know you will do great. Ever since I have known about this, I have been praying for you. I wish I was there as well to help you in expressing the impact of Jess and Kelli being taken away from us and so many others. I may not be there physically but know I am there with you spiritually and emotionally. You will do everyone proud!!

Zookeeper said...

My thoughts will be with you tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you have to do this. Your girls were beautiful inside and out and everyone knows that. They died senselessly and that's all the attorney general really needs to know.

Christian's Mom said...

Kim, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. What a very difficult thing you had to do today; something no parent should ever have to do. You do your girls proud each and every day. I hope you know that.

Stephanie said...

I will be praying for you tomorrow!

Jaelithe said...

I agree with Kelli. I hope you ate the chocolate.

I'm sure you did them proud, just as you planned to.

jodifur said...

All my thoughts. I've been on the other side of the table, where the Attorney General is, and trust me, and he gets it. at least I hope he does.

Just Be Real said...

Kim, thank you for sharing your blog. I too am an emotional eater! Blessings dear one.

geeta said...

I'm close to the age that Jess would have been. I stumbled on your site many, many months ago without knowing you or your daughters.

You brought them to life for me and I find myself coming back here every now and again to check up on you and to see if justice for your girls has been served.

I never knew your daughters, but I feel their loss on your behalf and on their's too. Your words and memories have brought them to life again in that way you have made them timeless. I hope that Tuesday wasn't too hard on you and that the courts give you and your family some justice.

Be gentle with yourself. If chocolate is the worst thing that you're doing, I think it's okay to indulge!