I have been a mom for 25 years. That’s over half my life. Damn.
Every day I wonder if I’m doing it right? Am I being the best mom I can? Am I teaching my children life’s important
lessons, like play well with others, be nice to people, and always wear clean
underwear and socks without holes? Will
my children remember the Fun Mom times and not the time I yelled for 17 minutes
because someone left their bookbag on the stairs when I’ve told you 9,000 times
not leave things on the stairs because someone could TRIP! and FALL! and BUST
THEIR HEAD OPEN! and when you do, don’t come crying to me when you’re concussed and
bleeding because I TOLD YOU 9,000 TIMES…
Every night I pray that in
between the ranting and yelling, my kids were aware that they were loved and
cherished. And I go to sleep thinking, “tomorrow
I’ll be more patient, more understanding, less of a yeller…”
And then I trip over someone’s
bookbag.
I am quite sure that at some
point during my 17-minute rants, my children were looking at me, pretending to
be fully engrossed in what I was imparting to them, but really thinking “why
does she keep yelling about the same thing?
I get it, I heard you, but I forgot.
Jeez, we all make mistakes!”
Yes, that’s right, we all make
mistakes. As moms, we want the best
for our children which includes not watching our children make the same
mistakes we did. We are older, wiser, we’ve
been kids/teenagers/young adults and we screwed up. Royally, in some cases. And we remember the pain that we felt or that
we caused by those mistakes. We want nothing more than to shield our kids from
pain. We suffered and we don’t want you
to as well. We beg them - learn from our
mistakes, please!
But our children don’t believe that
we were ever young and dumb – okay, young – and they will blithely carry on
doing the same things we did, and all we can do is try to tell them, but ultimately
we have to watch them stumble and fall.
And we hope that they get up, look over at us and say “wow, you were
right!”
Children start feeling grateful
for their parents right about the time they have their own children. I remember being at my parents’ house with
Jessica when she was about 2. She kept
poking at the screen door, even after I told her 9,000 times not to poke it. Finally I smacked her hand and oh my word the
sobbing that commenced from that child.
She flung herself into my arms, so contrite and cried, “I sowwy momma! I
sowwy!!” Oh for the love of cheese, what’s
a mom supposed to do? As I hugged her, I
looked over her shoulder at my dad, who was thoroughly enjoying the show. He just said “yep, now you know.” Yep, I damn sure did. At that moment, I realized my parents had been
right all along. My dad knew I’d figure
it out eventually, even if it took 20 years. And then I realized I had 20 more years of
yelling in front of me.
Even when my parents got on me, I
knew that they loved me. If they didn’t
love me, they wouldn’t have cared if I made my bed, hung up my laundry or left
my shoes under the table. They wouldn’t
have disciplined me and made me a better person through their lessons and
lectures, which I finally appreciated once I became a parent.
I always told my girls that I
loved them, whether it was at the end of a phone call, before they went to bed,
or just walking by them in the kitchen.
I might have been fed up with them earlier, but it didn’t change the
fact that I loved them, always and forever.
I hope and pray that they knew it, because I ran out of time to tell
Jessica and Kelli once more.
On this Mother’s Day weekend, I
say thank you to Jessica, Kelli and Madelyn.
Because of you three, I would have gone through life never knowing
unconditional, irrevocable love. I would
never have experienced the joy of having a sweet-smelling fuzzy-headed infant
snuggled on my chest, sleeping soundly.
I would have missed feeling so thankful for a construction paper flower with
I Love You Mom written in slanting capital letters. I would have missed watching you grow from
babies to little girls into strong, beautiful young women.
Thank you for making me a
mom. Thank you for pretending to listen
to me when I yelled. Thank you for the hugs,
even when we fought. Thank you for
making me a better person. Thank you for
being great kids. Thank you for the love.
