The Day After

I was supposed to go back to work yesterday, but Maddy had a cold, so I stayed home with her. Then she felt better, so we went to Wal-Mart. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We bought some new storage containers to replace the cardboard boxes that currently serve as my Christmas decor storage and a wrapping paper container, which suspiciously resembles a skinnier version of my trash can. Oh well. 'Tis the season for organization, you know.

We also went to the Mall. I must have been mad at me or something. Again, it wasn't as bad as I thought. We had good parking karma and the only store which wasn't packed was Children's Place, which is where we needed to go. We found some good after-Christmas deals, one of which we left in the dressing room. Because I Am A Dork. (See previous post).

Then we hit Office Max. Maddy's daycare provider bought her a label maker for Christmas. Of course, she used up all the label tape which came with it. I believe it was gone within the first hour. She labeled her label maker, her TV, my friend's cell phone, and whatever else she could think of. We wandered around Office Max looking for label tape. Would it be in the section marked "Organization?" Nope. How about the aisle marked "Labels?" Too obvious. It was by the electronics, with the other label makers. Of course! How stupid of me!

It was a good Christmas, considering. Maddy got everything she wanted. Maybe I was compensating for the loss of her sisters. Not that she was spoiled nor did I spend the budget of a small country on her, but I tried to get her everything she said. Her main wishes were a Nintendo DS, Webkinz, a remote controlled car, and the Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader game. Her dad got her the remote controlled car and I did everything else. Of course, her dad broke the car doing burnouts. I thought I was a dork.

The word I would use to describe our Christmas morning - quiet. Just Maddy and me, opening presents. Actually, that's the word I'd use to describe my life now - quiet. As much as I used to wish for peace and quiet in my house, I didn't want it this way.

I Am A Dork

I'm a dork. I admit it. If you don't believe me, here's my dorkiness so far today:

*I got tangled in the dog's leashes today and they almost brought me down. If they'd worked together they might have succeeded.

*I tripped over a waitress today at our holiday luncheon. She was leaning over the table with her leg stuck out behind her. I was looking for my table and not paying attention and walked right into her leg. I almost brought us both down.

*I had the phone tucked between my ear and shoulder while folding laundry. I dropped the phone and it slid across the floor and behind the refrigerator just that much out of reach. So I'm yelling "hold on!" while attempting to retrieve it.

*I sprayed myself in the eye while aiming for my hair. Now my eyebrow will have volume and shine.

Well, that takes us to the present time. Maddy and I are going to have Mexican for dinner and I've got on a white sweater.

Have a great Christmas holiday!

Wednesday Bites - The Return

Well, I'm back to work this week. I'm working Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Our department party was today and our firm party is Friday. Excellent planning on my part, don't ya think?

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I am keeping my sanity thanks to Post-Its. If I don't write it down, I forget. I've had several really cool ideas for a blog but I can't frickin' remember what they were as I didn't have a Post-It handy. I also have to write down what I'm doing each day or I'll forget an errand. I guess this is practice for when I'm old(er).

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Is there anything better for lunch than a grilled cheese sandwich and chicken noodle soup when it's cold outside? That's what I had at Swifty's downtown today. Yum!!

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Maddy and I started watching Pee-Wee's Big Adventure last night. We will finish it tonight (we started it late and she had to go to bed). I love that movie. My favorite scene is "I'm trying to use the PHONE!" and then he dances to Tequila on the bar.

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Happy Wednesday!

Rah Rah Ree Kick 'Em In The Knee...

Maddy and I went to Mt. Vernon on Saturday. We didn't get as much snow as was predicted, and we left in the afternoon, so it wasn't too bad driving out there. Our room had a balcony which overlooked the atrium where the pool was located. Maddy was oh so excited. I was unloading the baggage cart and when I looked up she was stripped down and digging in her bag for her swimsuit. So we hit the pool, unpacking be damned!


Sunday we went to the competition. I was so nervous for the team. I wanted the girls to do well, not just for Kelli's memory, but also because they've trained so much for competition. Three days a week are devoted to training, and these girls work HARD. I used to do some of Kelli's conditioning exercises with her, and when I say some, I mean a few repetitions of one because my body would say oh please stop you're hurting me.


Anyway, the girls did an excellent job. The final stunt was a full turn stunt, with three girls on top - one on the right and the left, holding up the middle girl who was doing a full split. Then, they turned in a full circle while cheering. Kelli had told me this was a hard stunt because the whole team has to work together to spin the circle and not drop anyone. The coach changed the cheer to include the line "Let's do it for Kelli Uhl." I cried. And cried.

They placed second in the competition. I'm so proud of them.

Maybe she's born with it....

maybe it's Maybelline. Anyone remember this commerical? Or am I the only oldie in the group? Anyhoo, tonight the softball team got together and gave my daughter, Maddy, and I some really nice gifts. They gave Maddy an engraved photo frame with a picture of Jess and Kelli. My good friend also took 10 men to the jewelry store to get me a mother's ring, which oh my gawd made me cry. It is beautiful - it's a split setting with two garnets for Kelli and Maddy and a pearl in the middle for Jessica. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness for these awesome friends of mine. My point about the Maybelline is that I didn't wear mascara because I had a feeling they'd make me cry. In a good way. And they did. I went to the bathroom and I still had racoon eyes. Ah hell, who cares?

Last night was Kelli's cheerleading Christmas party and I took Maddy. I got Kelli's cheerleading picture, which was taken about three weeks before she died. She's just gorgeous in the picture. And it's not just a mom's opinion - the child was beautiful. Ask me - I'll tell you.

This weekend is cheer competition in Mt. Vernon and Maddy and I are going to go and cheer the cheerleaders. I booked a room at the Holiday Inn that overlooks the pool area. It's an hour away but the thought of getting a hotel room and just getting away from here for a couple of days is pretty nice. I think we need a mini-vacay.

Anyway, the kindness of everyone is so overwhelming to me right now. Sometimes the mention of my name reminds a sales clerk of what happened. It's not easy to say "Yeah, that was my girls", but at the same time, the fact that people remember and say "I'm sorry" is sweet.

Thank you, to everyone, for your thoughts, prayers, well wishes and encouragement. I am so thankful to all of you.

Okay, i'ts 2:51 in the morning and I'm done. Must go night night now.

The Kindness of Strangers

I have never had as many comments on my blog as I have had in the last 24 hours. Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughts, prayers, and offers of help.

It's been a little over two weeks and it still hurts like hell. Sometimes I feel a sense of normalcy and then wham! Something reminds me that I'm so far from normal.

Rumor has it that there are five stages of grieving - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I'm fluctuating between denial and anger right now. Depression is knocking at my door, too. I refuse to let it in. Go away, I'm all stocked up right now.

Some people have said I'm being strong. I'll let you in on a secret - it's all an act. I figure if I fake it long enough I'll convince myself that I'm fine. I'm fine. I'M FINE! Yeah, not so much.

I started this blog for fun, and then I began to use it to help get through my divorce. I think I will use it now to post how I'm feeling, even if it doesn't make much sense.

I Have No Words

On November 23, 2007, my 18 and 13 year old daughters were killed in a traffic accident. I cannot begin to express what I'm feeling right now. Maybe someday I will have the words but for now, I don't.