Fourteen Years Ago

Fourteen years ago I was impatiently awaiting the birth of my daughter, Kelli. It had not been a fun pregnancy. I gained so much water weight the only shoes I could wear were Keds, and I couldn't tie them. I damn near weighed 200 pounds. I did lose 10 pounds the week before I had her, only because I quit work and could sit with my feet up.



I remember it was a really nice day, I think it was about 65 or so. We'd had some snow and rain the week before and my car was filthy. Jessica and I went to three different car washes because the lines were so long. I also had to go to Wal Mart because Jessica needed shoe laces.



We were walking through Wal Mart and all of a sudden I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach. I quickly loaded up Jessica and went home. I started having contractions. Of course, they would start to be about 6-7 minutes apart, and then they'd go to 9 or 10 minutes.



I made myself a grilled cheese and laid down for a while. My husband started making arrangments for Jessica to spend the night with some friends. He took Jessica to our friends and about 6 we went to the hospital.



Of course, once I walked through the doors, the contractions stopped. I was so mad. I was due on the 20th of December and I'd had enough. Finally, at about 8:30 they sent me home. I told the doctor that I'd be back, I knew I was having this baby tonight. He said, "well, I'm here until midnight so hopefully I'll see you."



We decided to leave Jessica with our friends, just in case. About 10:00 my husband went to bed. I stayed up watching Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve. Around 11:00 I started having contractions again and these were a little more intense. At midnight, I was watching the ball drop saying "10, 9, puff, puff, 6, 5, puff puff." I woke him up and we headed to the hosptial. We only lived about 5 minutes away.



As I was waddling in, I saw the doctor and I said "I told you!" He said "okay, let's go have a baby." Even though he was off he came back until the other doctor got in there.



My labor went really fast - there was no time for drugs or an epidural. At 3:30 a.m. I finally got her out and into the world. I overheard the nurses asking if they'd heard of any other babies being born before Kelli. Kelli was the first baby of 1994 in the Metro East. There was a baby born around 1:30 a.m. in St. Louis.



The newspaper came and took our picture and wrote an article. I looked like a fat blob. Luckily they only used Kelli's picture on the front page of the paper.



It seems like a lifetime ago, but yet it seems so fresh in my memory. Happy Birthday, baby of mine. I miss you so much. Fourteen years wasn't enough time.

Inside and Out

Kelli had to make a model of an element for science class. The teacher wanted them to be creative. We kept thinking of ways to put her element together and we finally came up with using Christmas ornaments. She used a large silver ball as the nucleus and smaller red, silver and green ones for the protons, neutrons and electrons. She made the rings out of green pipe cleaners. It actually was very pretty. She turned it in on Wednesday before she died. She was so proud of it. I was too. She was always so artistic and creative.

I asked her science teacher if I could have it back. He sent me a kind note with it, saying it was one of the most original and creative projects he'd had. He also said she was a good student and a pleasure to have in class. She would have gotten an A on it for sure. I hope she knows that.

I recently got a letter from one of Jessica's professors along with some of her papers from the class. She had to write out some of her values and goals. One of them was to "always love and respect my mom and be grateful for everything she does for me." The professor enclosed a photo of the class. She's wearing her Texas A&M sweatshirt and showing that glamour girl smile. I can't look at it right now.

When I went to buy their burial plots, the lady at the church told me her grandson went to school with Kelli. He thought very highly of her, because she always said hi and talked to him, even though she was a cheerleader and he wasn't one of the cool kids.

I got a phone call from a woman who Jessica babysit for. She was just checking on me, and wanted to tell me how much she and her kids missed Jessica. They said she was more fun than their babysitter they have now.

See, it's stuff like that that breaks my heart all over again. I knew they were great children. Having others tell me is what makes me weep - because I wish, almost more than anything else, that they knew how much they touched others. How others saw the beauty, not just outside, but inside of them. I can't count the stories people told me of the sweet thoughtful things they did. It makes me so proud of them.

The Day After

I was supposed to go back to work yesterday, but Maddy had a cold, so I stayed home with her. Then she felt better, so we went to Wal-Mart. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We bought some new storage containers to replace the cardboard boxes that currently serve as my Christmas decor storage and a wrapping paper container, which suspiciously resembles a skinnier version of my trash can. Oh well. 'Tis the season for organization, you know.

We also went to the Mall. I must have been mad at me or something. Again, it wasn't as bad as I thought. We had good parking karma and the only store which wasn't packed was Children's Place, which is where we needed to go. We found some good after-Christmas deals, one of which we left in the dressing room. Because I Am A Dork. (See previous post).

Then we hit Office Max. Maddy's daycare provider bought her a label maker for Christmas. Of course, she used up all the label tape which came with it. I believe it was gone within the first hour. She labeled her label maker, her TV, my friend's cell phone, and whatever else she could think of. We wandered around Office Max looking for label tape. Would it be in the section marked "Organization?" Nope. How about the aisle marked "Labels?" Too obvious. It was by the electronics, with the other label makers. Of course! How stupid of me!

It was a good Christmas, considering. Maddy got everything she wanted. Maybe I was compensating for the loss of her sisters. Not that she was spoiled nor did I spend the budget of a small country on her, but I tried to get her everything she said. Her main wishes were a Nintendo DS, Webkinz, a remote controlled car, and the Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader game. Her dad got her the remote controlled car and I did everything else. Of course, her dad broke the car doing burnouts. I thought I was a dork.

The word I would use to describe our Christmas morning - quiet. Just Maddy and me, opening presents. Actually, that's the word I'd use to describe my life now - quiet. As much as I used to wish for peace and quiet in my house, I didn't want it this way.

I Am A Dork

I'm a dork. I admit it. If you don't believe me, here's my dorkiness so far today:

*I got tangled in the dog's leashes today and they almost brought me down. If they'd worked together they might have succeeded.

*I tripped over a waitress today at our holiday luncheon. She was leaning over the table with her leg stuck out behind her. I was looking for my table and not paying attention and walked right into her leg. I almost brought us both down.

*I had the phone tucked between my ear and shoulder while folding laundry. I dropped the phone and it slid across the floor and behind the refrigerator just that much out of reach. So I'm yelling "hold on!" while attempting to retrieve it.

*I sprayed myself in the eye while aiming for my hair. Now my eyebrow will have volume and shine.

Well, that takes us to the present time. Maddy and I are going to have Mexican for dinner and I've got on a white sweater.

Have a great Christmas holiday!

Wednesday Bites - The Return

Well, I'm back to work this week. I'm working Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Our department party was today and our firm party is Friday. Excellent planning on my part, don't ya think?

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I am keeping my sanity thanks to Post-Its. If I don't write it down, I forget. I've had several really cool ideas for a blog but I can't frickin' remember what they were as I didn't have a Post-It handy. I also have to write down what I'm doing each day or I'll forget an errand. I guess this is practice for when I'm old(er).

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Is there anything better for lunch than a grilled cheese sandwich and chicken noodle soup when it's cold outside? That's what I had at Swifty's downtown today. Yum!!

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Maddy and I started watching Pee-Wee's Big Adventure last night. We will finish it tonight (we started it late and she had to go to bed). I love that movie. My favorite scene is "I'm trying to use the PHONE!" and then he dances to Tequila on the bar.

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Happy Wednesday!

Rah Rah Ree Kick 'Em In The Knee...

Maddy and I went to Mt. Vernon on Saturday. We didn't get as much snow as was predicted, and we left in the afternoon, so it wasn't too bad driving out there. Our room had a balcony which overlooked the atrium where the pool was located. Maddy was oh so excited. I was unloading the baggage cart and when I looked up she was stripped down and digging in her bag for her swimsuit. So we hit the pool, unpacking be damned!


Sunday we went to the competition. I was so nervous for the team. I wanted the girls to do well, not just for Kelli's memory, but also because they've trained so much for competition. Three days a week are devoted to training, and these girls work HARD. I used to do some of Kelli's conditioning exercises with her, and when I say some, I mean a few repetitions of one because my body would say oh please stop you're hurting me.


Anyway, the girls did an excellent job. The final stunt was a full turn stunt, with three girls on top - one on the right and the left, holding up the middle girl who was doing a full split. Then, they turned in a full circle while cheering. Kelli had told me this was a hard stunt because the whole team has to work together to spin the circle and not drop anyone. The coach changed the cheer to include the line "Let's do it for Kelli Uhl." I cried. And cried.

They placed second in the competition. I'm so proud of them.

Maybe she's born with it....

maybe it's Maybelline. Anyone remember this commerical? Or am I the only oldie in the group? Anyhoo, tonight the softball team got together and gave my daughter, Maddy, and I some really nice gifts. They gave Maddy an engraved photo frame with a picture of Jess and Kelli. My good friend also took 10 men to the jewelry store to get me a mother's ring, which oh my gawd made me cry. It is beautiful - it's a split setting with two garnets for Kelli and Maddy and a pearl in the middle for Jessica. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness for these awesome friends of mine. My point about the Maybelline is that I didn't wear mascara because I had a feeling they'd make me cry. In a good way. And they did. I went to the bathroom and I still had racoon eyes. Ah hell, who cares?

Last night was Kelli's cheerleading Christmas party and I took Maddy. I got Kelli's cheerleading picture, which was taken about three weeks before she died. She's just gorgeous in the picture. And it's not just a mom's opinion - the child was beautiful. Ask me - I'll tell you.

This weekend is cheer competition in Mt. Vernon and Maddy and I are going to go and cheer the cheerleaders. I booked a room at the Holiday Inn that overlooks the pool area. It's an hour away but the thought of getting a hotel room and just getting away from here for a couple of days is pretty nice. I think we need a mini-vacay.

Anyway, the kindness of everyone is so overwhelming to me right now. Sometimes the mention of my name reminds a sales clerk of what happened. It's not easy to say "Yeah, that was my girls", but at the same time, the fact that people remember and say "I'm sorry" is sweet.

Thank you, to everyone, for your thoughts, prayers, well wishes and encouragement. I am so thankful to all of you.

Okay, i'ts 2:51 in the morning and I'm done. Must go night night now.

The Kindness of Strangers

I have never had as many comments on my blog as I have had in the last 24 hours. Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughts, prayers, and offers of help.

It's been a little over two weeks and it still hurts like hell. Sometimes I feel a sense of normalcy and then wham! Something reminds me that I'm so far from normal.

Rumor has it that there are five stages of grieving - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I'm fluctuating between denial and anger right now. Depression is knocking at my door, too. I refuse to let it in. Go away, I'm all stocked up right now.

Some people have said I'm being strong. I'll let you in on a secret - it's all an act. I figure if I fake it long enough I'll convince myself that I'm fine. I'm fine. I'M FINE! Yeah, not so much.

I started this blog for fun, and then I began to use it to help get through my divorce. I think I will use it now to post how I'm feeling, even if it doesn't make much sense.

I Have No Words

On November 23, 2007, my 18 and 13 year old daughters were killed in a traffic accident. I cannot begin to express what I'm feeling right now. Maybe someday I will have the words but for now, I don't.

Wednesday Bites/Turkey Day Countdown

Since last week's inaugural Wednesday Bites post was so successful, I've decided to make it a regular feature.

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The first season of Sesame Street has been released on on DVD but has been rated adults-only. Apparently Cookie Monster is an addict and Bert was too grumpy to be rated acceptable for children. How the hell did my generation survive such atrocities?

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Speaking of screwing with my childhood, Monopoly now has a version with electronic banking. Let's not teach our kids to count, for the love of fiscal responsibility. And how are you supposed to hide your $500 bills under the board?

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If you want to play Santa in Sydney, Australia, you need to learn to say "ha ha ha." Apparently the PC squad Down Under decided it was offensive to women to say "ho ho ho." Should we stop using red lights in our Christmas decorations because of the suggestion of prostitution?

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For those of you keeping score at home, the Thanksgiving countdown is commencing nicely. All items on the list have been completed and crossed off. Tonight is the pre-cooking prep, such as pie baking, cornbread baking, assembling the potato casserole and slicing the ham.

Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving holiday. I'll be back on Monday.

Thanksgiving Countdown - Tuesday

Well, the countdown is proceeding on schedule (knock wood). Actually, I'm a bit ahead of schedule. My class ended early last night so I was able to finish up Monday's list and scratch a couple of things of Tuesday's list. The girls did a good job of cleaning the dining room while I was at class. They also did not kill each other. Tonight I will have one cleaning upstairs and the other cleaning her room. That should keep them busy.

Tonight's activities include: cleaning out the refrigerator (as tomorrow is trash day); sweeping and mopping my kitchen and bathroom floors (so a quick once-over with the Swiffer before the guests arrive should suffice); and steam cleaning the carpets. I'm also making my chex mix and then putting it out of sight because dude, that stuff is like crack to me.

My parenting class was better than I thought. The instructor said she knew we didn't want to be there, so we could skip the break and end a half-hour early. Yay!

We watched a DVD of some scenarios and then discussed what not to do. The scenarios were a bit overdramatic but I can see them happening with divorced parents - complaining about late child support in front of the kids; calling the dad a deadbeat; calling a mom irresponsible because she was late picking up the children for visitation. However, one scene involved a dad and his new girlfriend drinking and smoking pot while the kids were in the other room. The kids complained to the dad that there was no food in the house. I'm thinking "if you're going to smoke that much pot, you should have food to combat the munchies!"

The instructor did tell us that the number one thing kids wish they had more of was *drum roll* - time with their parents. So, in the spirit of that, I had Maddy read out loud to me while I was cleaning in the kitchen. Kelli and I stayed up until about midnight just talking about different stuff. I'm busier than a one-armed paper hanger, and yeah, I'm a little tired today. But having that time with them was cool.

Thanksgiving Countdown - Monday

T-minus four days until the main event. I have my lists of things to do and things to cook, and let me tell you - I'm going to be one busy little girl.

Apparently I felt I didn't have enough going on this week because I scheduled a parenting class for tonight and tomorrow from 6-8 pm. Our state will not grant a divorce until both parents have completed a parenting class. The closest one to my house is a half hour away.

So, tonight's agenda is: leave work at 4:30; pick up cheerleader child at 5; slow down in front of the house so she can tuck and roll out the door and I can speed off on my journey to being a better parent; come home and referee the fighting that has taken place while I've been gone; and clean up my dining room. You may ask why I need to clean my dining room? Well, the computer desk is in there, so that needs to be de-cluttered. My daughter built a magnesium model over the weekend, so the fallout from that needs to be removed. There is a box of stuff from my old office that I brought home in September and it's still sitting on the chair in the corner. I know, I know. I ground my kids for that stuff. I need to dust the chairs and the china cabinet.

I also need to review my cabinets to see if there is anything else I forgot from my two-page shopping list. I forgot evaporated milk for the chocolate pie, and a jar of turkey gravy. Yes, I admit it, I do not make turkey gravy from scratch. Reason one - because I don't cook a whole turkey and reason two- I'm making everything else from scratch, so I can skate on the gravy.

I think I'll have one child clean the desk and the other one do the chairs. Perhaps if I keep them busy while I'm gone they will have less time to argue with each other. (Ha!! I almost typed that sentence without laughing).

No Boys Allowed

First, let me preface this by saying I am not anti-men. I love men. I'm can change my own tire, mow my own lawn and kill my own spider, but I have no problem admiring a man who does it for me, especially without me having to ask. Quite frankly, I'm pretty impressed when they do it without expecting a pat on the head. Did I get a pat on the head when I cooked your dinner, washed your underwear, or birthed your child? Yeah, I didn't think so.

In the few months that I haven't had a man living in my house, I've noticed some things. My laundry piles have been cut in half. Who knew he wore that many clothes? Cleaning the bathroom is a breeze now. In fact, it stays cleaner longer now. Ditto on the rest of the house, and if I get the urge to vacuum at 9:30 at night, I can and not fear that I'm interrupting his TV coma.

I've also taken care of some a lot of little stuff around the house that we'd talked about doing but for some reason they never got done. Like sealing the kitchen door, re-grouting the bathtub and winterizing the lawn. I'm Annie Oakley with a caulk gun.

Don't get me wrong, it sucks sometimes that I now have to do all that stuff, in addition to the long list of mom stuff I already had, but I don't mind in the long run, because I have a sense of accomplishment when I'm done.

I'll be honest, I hired someone to clean my gutters. It's a two-story house with a pretty steep roof. In the end, I got it taken care of, so I can still claim a sense of accomplishment.

Vacation...All I Ever Wanted....

I recently started at my new job, so I don't get any vacation time off for a while. However, that doesn't mean I can't have a mini-vacay, so that's what I'm doing Saturday. I found a great rate on a nice hotel near the outlet mall, and I'm going to do some Christmas shopping Saturday and stay overnight, and maybe get up and do some shopping Sunday before I come home.

I like staying in hotels...nice hotels, that is. I've been lucky in that I've never stayed in a dumpy hotel. I've read hotel reviews online and sometimes the reviews are less than favorable. Some of them are downright scary.

I think my favorite hotel so far was the Marriott in Chicago. It had a comfortable bed, it was nicely decorated, and I could see part of Lake Michigan from my window. Oh, and it was a block from the Magnificent Mile and from Rush Street. That might have something to do with it being my favorite.

What's your favorite? Or your horror story?

Wednesday Bites

Not in the sucky "this bites" way, but more like little random bits of thought. I think I'm coming down with a cold and I'm tired and I can't really think of much more than two or three sentences at a time so...

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I took my 8-year old daughter to see Bee Movie on Friday. If you liked Seinfeld, you'll like the movie. It seemed to me to be one long standup routine. I amused myself by guessing the voices. Oprah is a judge. Chris Rock is a mosquito.

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Thanksgiving is a week away (technically 8 days but I have to start baking pies on Wednesday so it's a week to me). My dad and his wife are coming to my house. I'm very excited that I got my dining room re-decorated before they came. I was writing out my menu and realized we are having three kinds of potatoes - mashed, sweet and cheesy hashbrown casserole. Starch overload, anyone?

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I can't find any casual shoes that I like. I can wear jeans to work every day, but on days I don't wear my heels I have either my boots or my clogs. I went shoe shopping at lunch and couldn't find anything. I don't want a ballet flat and I don't want a grandma heel. Suggestions?

Update - Still Angry, Still Irrational

My brother isn't coming. Bring on the disappointment.

Oh, and for those of you thinking "why don't you just go there?" - in order for me and my girls to fly to California I'll need $1200. I'm sure I can crap that between now and January.

Grrrrrr. Why does it have to be so difficult?

I'm going to drown my sorrows in deep fried cheese.

Irrational Anger

My brother is going to Iraq in January. He'll be gone for a year. He's currently in Virginia for training, and he'll be done this Friday. About a month ago, I suggested that he try to change his flight to stop over here for the weekend before he goes back to California. He thought it was a good idea, and he said he'd do it. Well, fast forward to T-minus 4 days and he hasn't done it yet and everytime I ask him, he tells me he'll do it later, or the travel agency said to call back in a day or two, blah blah blah.

If he doesn't come here, I won't be able to see him until after he gets back from Iraq. I can't afford to fly to San Diego, and it's not just me that won't see him - my daughters and my dad and his wife won't see him, either.

So, I'm angry at him for suggesting it in the first place and getting my hopes up; for putting it off; for not giving me a straight answer; and for making me so mad in the first place.

I'm being selfish and irrationally angry. I can't help it.

Traditions

With the holidays approaching at breakneck speed, I'm thinking about holiday traditions, and how I've passed on some of what I did when I was younger, but added my own to be something special that my girls and I do.

Growing up, we had ham for Thanksgiving. I don't like turkey, and my parents weren't big on turkey either. We also had mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, cranberry sauce, yeast rolls, and pecan pie. Now that I'm hosting Thanksgiving, we have the above, plus green bean rollups (green beans rolled in bacon and covered with melted butter and brown sugar - yum!), and Jessica salad (pistachio pudding, pineapple and cool whip mixed together). I only make sweet potatoes and cranberries if my dad comes for dinner. Otherwise, they're nixed because no one else likes it. I still don't make a turkey. It's not tradition.

When I was younger, my mom would put up the tree, and then she would string the lights and the garland. She used pearls for garland. I have a garland of pearls and gold cord that I use now. Once she was satisfied with that, she would let me and my brother hang the glass balls, but we had to make sure we didn't have too many of the same color together, or too many in one spot. Because she was anal that way. Then my brother and I would hang our ornaments - Snoopy on a sled for me, and a tiger in a circus cage for my brother. As we made ornaments in school, we would hang those, too. I still have my Snoopy (he lost his sled a long time ago), my brother's tiger, and some of my school ornaments.

Now for Christmas, I put on the Charlie Brown Christmas DVD and, I put up the tree, string the lights and the garland. I let my girls do the ornaments. Each of my girls has their own set of ornaments that they hang. Now that my oldest daughter is, well, older, she hasn't been around sometimes when we decorate, so she tells me to hang them. It's just not the same, so I wait until she is home and make her hang them. My kids hang some of my older ornaments if they want, but Snoopy is mine. I hang him, in the same spot, every year. It's a tradition.

As my girls have gotten taller, the ornaments have been spaced out more evenly. But I loved it when they were shorter - they would hang them all in one space, or all along the bottom of the tree. And yes, I would eventually space them out. Because I'm anal that way.

My girls get oranges in their stockings, because I did when I was little. Kelli doesn't even like oranges, but she gets one. It's just a tradition.

Finally, my girls and I get into the car, put on the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack, and drive to Our Lady of the Snows (www.snows.org) to see the lights. Last year was the first time that Jessica, didn't go with us. I may have cried a little, but don't tell her that.

I've kept some of the traditions from my childhood, but incorporated some new things that I hope my kids will keep doing, and add their own traditions. I bet Kelli won't give her kids oranges. Just a thought.

This Can Only Lead to Some Kind of Visit by the Authorities

Last February, one of my dear friends had a divorce celebration party at a spa. I met a wonderful group of ladies (girls, chicks, babes!) and we had a fabulous time drinking wine, getting facials and massages, and just generally being loud and obnoxious. All while wearing robes.

Now that I'm the divorced girl, I can't duplicate Tawnya's generousity, but I can cook. And mix a mean cocktail. So, we're planning a get-together for December. I hope we can all get together again and drink some more and be loud and obnoxious. We'll wear clothes this time.

All The Good Ones Are Gay, Married, Or They Take Visa

I was having lunch with my friend yesterday. She was lamenting the fact that, although she'd like to break up with her boyfriend, she doesn't want to be alone during the holidays. I asked her if being with someone who makes you miserable was better than being alone. Without hesitation, she said yes.

I told her that maybe a good money making scheme would be a rent-a-date business. We could sign up some single men and match them up with single women who need a date for a Christmas or New Year's Eve party. She said that had already been done, and it was called an escort service.

How afraid of being alone do you have to be to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy?

How I Met the Girlfriend

I went out with my ex-husband's cousin and some other friends on Friday night, and we wound up at a fun little bar in STL. My friend brought along his sister in law. After a couple of hours, he asked me if I'd seen his SIL. It's not a big place, so after looking around and not seeing her, I surmised she must in the ladies' room. Yep, there she was, hunched over the toilet. "You okay?" I ask. "uhh huhh," she replies. The bartender comes over to me and says "Your friend is pretty drunk, you need to take her home." Um, okay. Apparently at some point she became my responsibility, which I immediately passed back to my friend. She ain't my sister in law.

We pour her in the car, and my friends and I go to this dive diner, have ham and cheese omelets, and go back to the house to watch The Office. Funny stuff.

Fast forward to Sunday - the ex drops off our daughter and asks me "did you have fun Friday?" I say yes, figuring his cousin had said we were out. No big thang. He calls me later, around 9:45, and I figure he just wants to tell our daughter good night. Oh, no, he wants to talk to me. Yippee. The Cowboys are on, damn it! But I gave him the almost final draft of the divorce papers a few days ago and figured he wanted to talk about that.

He tells me he took our daughter to the park and that my friend and his SIL were there too. I say okay. He says "I just wanted to let you know." "Let me know what?" "That I'm dating her. What did you think of her?" I say, "Um, I drug her out of a bar after watching her puke. I'd say she needs to learn to hold her liquor." He thinks I'm kidding. Bless his heart.

So, yep, that's how I met his girlfriend.

Time Flies...

My, it's been a while since my last post. Of course, no one knows this because apparently no one reads this (according to my site meter).


So, to catch up those of you who read it but don't register on the site meter, the big news is that my husband and are I divorcing. He moved out in September, and we will file after we fill in some blanks in the paperwork.


Am I happy? Kind of. Am I sad? Kind of. Is this weird? Probably. When I tell people, the usual reply is "oh, I'm sorry." I really want to say "don't be, because I'm not." I suppose that may sound callus and unfeeling, but it's really for the best. For everyone involved, not just me.

In the past two months, the stress level in my house has all but diminished. My girls and I get along better, and we spend more time as a family. I know that they hid in their rooms or buried themselves on the computer just to avoid interaction. Or the arguments. I don't blame them. I wished I could sometimes.

He seems to be doing better too. I found out this weekend he's been seeing someone for about a month. I say, good for him.

I guess it's hard for some people to realize that divorce isn't always a bad thing.

Super Shopping

The new Super Wal Mart opened in my town last week, amid glorious fanfare. Well, if you count an inflatable Energizer Bunny and our local high school band as glorious.

Anyway, I went on opening day. Wow. I've been in Super Wal Marts before, but my word. This thing is HUNIMBOUS*. There's a Home Depot next door (of course, they come in pairs) and you could probably fit two of that store in the Wal Mart.

I went again on Sunday for grocery shopping. I have to say, I've been looking forward to it finally being open so I don't have to go one place for groceries and another place for shampoo, soap, golf balls, etc. I noticed that, even though the food prices were a bit higher than the grocery store, I ended up spending less because I didn't have to go to two places. I tend to get glassy-eyed in Wal Mart and buy a lot of stuff I don't need. But, if I hit the food side first and buy ice cream, I will tend to spend less time browsing in the shoes, nail polish or home decor departments so my ice cream doesn't melt.

*Hunimbous is a word my daughter made up when she was 2. It is a mix (I think) of huge and ginormous.

I'll Drink to That

While browsing 1800Flowers, I came across a category called Happy Hour Bouquets. How frickin' clever is this?

Communication

My daughter Jessica called me on my way home from the gym last night. We talked until I got in the door. She was upstairs in her room - I was on the phone with her downstairs. I then told my other daughter, Kelli, to sign off the computer. She told me she was IMing Jessica. I said, "well, you can't say we don't communicate around here."

I have been known to pick up the house phone in the kitchen and call Jessica, who is in her room upstairs, to tell her dinner is ready. I email people at the next desk. I have sent a text message to my husband while we're at the same party. (Of course, that message said "we need to get out of here!" Not exactly something you want the host to hear.)

I remember when my mom yelled for me out the front door. I still do that to my youngest but that's only because she's 8 and doesn't have a phone. Yet.

The Big 1-8

My oldest daughter turns 18 today. I'm so proud of her. She's smart, beautiful, sassy, doesn't take any crap, loves with her whole heart, and is just a wonderful child.


Happy Birthday Jessica.

I never know what to say

I got a call from a friend of mine today. She told me that she and her husband have separated. I never know what to say in these situations. My standard response is "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

She's not placing all the blame on her husband, she's taking responsiblity for the problems, too. She said something that made me think - "I hate seeing him devastated by this but in the same breath - I'm not happy."

At what point in a marriage do you stop living for your husband and children, and start living for yourself? I had to finally realize that in my first marriage. Yes, I know, marriage isn't "all about you," but I believe that if you aren't truly happy in your marriage, it eventually will affect the other aspects of your life. And your kids aren't dumb - they know when things aren't right.

So, as sorry as I would be if they do divorce, if they are happier apart, then isn't that really what matters?

Summer is Here

What activities mean summertime to you? For me, washing my car in the driveway and buying ice cream from the ice cream man that drives through the neighborhood. Going boating with our friends and Saturday night backyard barbecues. Golfing. Watering my flowers and begging them to grow. Enjoying the daylight until 8:30. Sitting on my porch and drinking ice tea (or a beer!). The smell of fresh mown grass.

I love summer. I hope I can slow down and enjoy it more this year, because it seems like my life is whizzing by me at warp speed. It feels like we just started May, and now we're starting June next week.

Enjoy your holiday.

Missed Connections

I was looking on my local Craigslist recently and got distracted by the Missed Connections section. Some of the postings are sweet, and some are borderline creepy. I wonder if anyone ever found who they were looking for from that forum.

If someone was struck dumb by my beauty last night, the post might read something like this:

"I saw you in Wal-Mart around 9:30 last night, workout clothes, no makeup, hair in a ragged ponytail, you bought yeast infection cream at the self-checkout. You were HAWT!!"

I didn't buy any cream but you get the point. 99% of the time I do put effort into how I look. The remaining 1% of the time is when I pop into WalMart or the grocery store and manage to run into about half a dozen people I know.

I do always have on clean underwear, though.

My First Post

Welcome to my blog.


I've been reading blogs for a while. Some of them make me laugh; others make me think. Sometimes it's both.


While I don't expect this blog to change the world, I hope I can make a few people laugh. Or think. Or maybe both.