Monday, June 16, 2008

Before and After

Before



After


This mangled pile of scrap is my daughter's car. Except for the tires, I'd be hard pressed to realize this was a car, let alone what kind of car. (2003 Mazda 6, if you care. The Before picture is not her actual car, but a picture of the make and model she had).

I know that if this goes to trial, I'll be subjected to more photographic gems like this. I don't know what I want to do - do I want to see them or do I want to excuse myself?

I couldn't see them after they died. The caskets were closed. I wonder if maybe I shouldn't see the pictures so I can remember them the way they were. I wonder if what my imagination has conjured up is worse than the reality. I wonder if they saw it coming, if they had time to react at all. Did they feel anything? Say anything? Know anything?

Maddy said maybe they died because they were hurt so bad that God had to take them to make them better.

23 comments:

A Buns Life said...

That is a difficult decision. Did any other family members see them or see the pictures? Your ex? Maybe use them as a buffer.....

My dad shot himself in through his eye when he committed suicide, and they suggested a closed casket and also suggested we not view him....I took control of the situation and was glad that I did. They did a great job "fixing him" and we had an open casket. It provided a lot of closure for me and I hope others as well that day.

You also have to think about what would you gain by viewing pictures of them in that state at this point and time....how will it benefit you?

Meredith said...

I believe that Miss Maddy is on to something. The words of children are so perfect at times.

I really think that there will be a time when you will know what you cannot handle. At that time you will know it is right to leave behind what you don't know because your girls would have wanted to protect you from what was unnecessarily painful.

Prayers and good wishes!
Meredith

Kelly said...

Those pictures... they make my heart hurt. So awful. And I think Maddy is a wise girl.

Krys72599 said...

I think your Maddy is one smart cookie. God would not want your memories of your two beautiful daughters to be tainted by seeing them after the accident. Sometimes we have to put our trust in Him and in the wisdom of others. God bless you all.

Lynn said...

I've told you this before my dear friend, but I think you did the right thing not seeing them after. I saw the pictures on tv before I knew it was your sweet baby girls, and I can tell you that I wish I hadn't seen any of it. You just hold tight to their beautiful smiling faces. I truly believe Maddy is right, and it brings me comfort to think that they were in His hands before they could suffer an instant.

Love you.

The Super Goop said...

Many blessings to you as you heal and honor all your daughters.
Goopie
(sister of she who what)

Liz said...

In my mind, it was over in an instant. They never saw it coming or felt a thing. But at least they were together. Then, and now.

I like Maddy's explanation too.

Hugs to you.

Jaelithe said...

Speechless looking at that after photo.

You just keep doing whatever you need to do to stay mentally healthy and strong.

Anonymous said...

That picture made me want to cry for you and your pain. I think that our imagination are wonderful things but they also play tricks on you. Sometime you building things up and they are not a bad as you thought they were. I think that they never saw it coming and that they did not feel a thing. If I was is in the car with my sister, I would have been talking and having a good time. They are in a much better place, and while it sucks for those left behind, you just have to remember that one day you WILL see them again. I will pray for you and Maddie. She is a very smart girl.

Marrdy said...

Maddy is a very wise little girl. I believe she understand that her sisters needed some special help. I think it is best to remember your beautiful daughters smiling and loving life. I hope your decision will bring you peace.

Cricky (Who Is More Than Just A Girl) said...

That is a decision only you can make.
When my uncle was murdered my grandmother had the option to look at the crime scene. She chose not to however, she was subjected to the photos during the trial. For the next 20 years she suffered through nightmares seeing exactly what happened.


Take the positive memories and cherish them, I see no reason to taint your mind with the photos.

Gail said...

I had a dear friend whose son and daughter-in-law were killed instantly by a drunk driver. She did not see them, but asked a very close friend who was a nurse to view them. In her case, she needed to be assured that it was, in fact, them. Is there a family member or a friend in the funeral business, law enforcement or medical field who would be willing to do that for you? They could look at enough pictures to answer any questions you have?
There has never been one ounce of doubt in my mind; they did not know or feel a thing. But know that they felt instantly, the love and the arms of God.
Don't focus on how they died. Remember and celebrate those beautiful smiles and how they lived.

Frogdancer said...

I'd have to know.

But then I'm the peculiar sort of person who who does things like look when I'm getting injections. I know it'll hurt but I do it anyway.

Personally, I think you'll know on the day if you can handle it or not. Either decision will be the right one.

Dana said...

That Maddy is really something.

Zip n Tizzy said...

Everyone has more or less said what I was feeling after seeing the picture you posted. Just this picture alone is traumatic, even for someone who hasn't met your family in real time. I would lean toward remembering them as the beautiful delightful people they were. The accident for them was over in an instant, a drop, in the scope of their lives. You and Maddie are the ones who have to live with it, and I think seeing the pictures will leave a painful impression that didn't sum up who they were. Maddies onto something, they may becoming through her to say "Mom, we're at peace."
May you be at peace too.

My Life My Life My Life said...

I think Maddy is onto something. I dont think God wanted them to see, feel or know anything before it happened...

Having never been in shoes because I am not you, only you can make any decisions as to what you can handle. You might be able to do it but then again you might not. Will it bring closure or will you open a wound up even futher that gives you a vivid picture???

Prayers go out to you, lady...

Anonymous said...

My sisters where killed by another driver when I was 18. At their funeral, the caskets were closed. Their car looked about as bad as your daughters'. At the end of the wake, they opened the caskets for those who wanted to say goodbye. Something that day held me back from looking at them that day. I guess they were holding me back from seeing what had happened. To this day, I still wonder what they looked like. I wonder if what I imagin of them is worse than it really was, but I am so happy I did not look. Almost 9 years later, I still see them as 18 year olds, happy and young. I do not have a picture of what they looked like afterwards and I am thankful for that.
I also wanted to tell Maddy that although her sisters are physically gone, they will always be by her side. They are now her guardian angels that will protect her all the days of her life. I feel the presence of my sisters everyday. God bless you. I hold you and your family deep in my prayers and close to my heart.

Nicole Stewart

WowsRose said...

You and Maddy are amazing.

Those photos made me cry. My heart hurts for you.

Krys72599 summed up my thoughts as well.

She who said...

As always hugs and prayers across the net.

Your Maddy is wise beyond her years.

Katrina said...

I just found your blog via blogger, and I am really sorry to hear about your loss.

Cyndi said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to understand your sorrow. I do know something about losing a child as my sweet 16 year old daughter Amanda, was shot and killed by a boy she had broke up with. It has been 13 years and not a day goes by I don't think about her but I choose to remember the good times and try so very hard not to dwell on the last minutes of her life. It's just too much to bear. You will never forget your sorrow but I feel so good helping others deal with their grief. I couldn't look at pictures during the trial so I just closed my eyes but listening to the details were just as hard. But I also knew I would doing everything in my power to see that the boy went to jail for life. After the trial is when I feel apart but with the love of my family & friends got me thru those hard days. Please know that I am praying for your strength.

Michael said...

Oh, my.

Without a net indeed.

I will give my 12 year old (who is driving me bananas) an extra squeeze tonight. Even if he doesn't want it.

God bless you.

Our Crooked Tree said...

Kids are so intuitive; Maddy is a smart girl! I wish I had the answers for you; I can only offer prayers for healing.