Monday, September 15, 2008

An Open Letter To an Idiot

Dear Driver of a Red Car:

Good morning. I was behind you at the entrance to the parking garage today. I noticed you had a parking pass, and I've seen your car in the garage before, so I'm guessing this isn't your first rodeo.

I (and the five cars that were lined up down the street behind me) (including Mr. Beepy McHonky) got together to provide you with a few hints for making life easier for you and your fellow parkers. We would appreciate your looking them over and trying to incorporate them into your morning routine.

1. Have your pass ready. Most late-model cars have handy storage spots, cup holders, or you could hang it on a lanyard around your neck. Any of these would be for keeping your parking pass easily accessible. This would also save you from digging through your purse, console, glove box, floor board, brief case, buttcrack, and all the other places I assume you were searching. I must admit, watching your head appear and disappear and your arms flail around in your car this morning helped pass the time.

2. Once you find the pass, swipe it over the sensor and wait until the gate opens. Don't assume the gate will open on the first swipe. It's an imperfect world, electronic gates don't always cooperate on the first try. As we enter on a steep incline, this will avoid your having to gun your engine, slam on the brakes, almost roll backward into my car, and then line up to swipe again. Also, the impatient cars behind me won't get all anxious and try to rear-end me. Being the creamy white filling in an automotive Oreo isn't high on my priority list.

3. Once you are through the gate, please proceed through the first level. It's 8:30 am, so most of the spots by the entry are taken. There is no need to idle through hoping for a miracle. It ain't gonna happen, just like there aren't any spots by the elevators.

4. Speaking of idling, you can use the gas pedal in the garage. You don't need to go 20 MPH, but anything is better than the breathtaking 2 MPH you were managing. I think that's probably what Beepy McHonky was trying to convey with his second round of loud horn blasts.

We do have to commend you on your ability not only to find a parking space, but also to properly park on the first try. I'm afraid that if you had been one of those parkers who had to jockey in and out a few times, you might have been dragged from your car and smacked around.

Of course I would never resort to that kind of violence, but I can't speak for the drivers behind me.

Hugs and Kisses!

Six highly-annoyed pissed off fellow parkers.


Anonymous said...

Kim that was beautiful!

We have all been behind her at one point I think.

I'm picturing this gal on the highway putting her make up on, texting AND smoking a cigg.. don't you think?


Meesh said...

I'm going to lump her into my category of blissful ignorance. Once I have enough, I will eject them into space so as to stop clogging up the rest of civilization.

Please remove head from (insert preferred orface here)!

maof2boys said...

Kim you are just hilarious! I love reading your blog. They are always very entertaining.

Marrdy said...

Too funny. These people must breed and then scatter throughout the US.

Frogdancer said...

Gave me a laugh as I'm sitting at my desk. I think they must breed in the US and then come over here to live...

Jennifer said...

Oh I do not miss those days, the ones I loved were the ones who tried to park their big SUV's in the compact care spots.

Lynn said...

HA! I think she normally parks in my garage! Maybe she's making the rounds.

Volume 2 - Write a letter to the morons who ride the left land across the Poplar knowing they need to exit from the far right lane. ARGH!

Shutter Bitch said...

Also, don't forget to mention that it's desirable for her departure to make sure she looks before backing out. All too often, when I was parked in the garage at my college I would have a near-collision at least once a week from someone in a hurry and just backing out willy nilly. Dude! Garage navigation is hazardous enough without worrying about being t-boned.

creamy filling in an automotive Oreo. That's a classic line.

Kerri said...

Hahaha! Great post. It motivated me to write about yesterday's lovely turn of events that started when I dropped the preschooler off at school. Great Monday, it was.