Monday, April 27, 2009

It's Deja Vu All Over Again

I was sent over the edge today by a pizza pan.

Today was not a good day. As usual, it's a culmination of a lot of little annoyances that pile on top of me until one seemingly small incident sends me headfirst off the Cliffs of Sanity into the Fits of Hissy. Although throwing a fit (and a spatula) does make me feel better temporarily, the fallout isn't worth it. People who live with me are left bewildered and confused as to what exactly my problem might be. If they comfort me and tell me it will be okay, I don't believe them, and if they give me wide berth and leave me alone, I feel neglected and start to pout.

(Hello, my name is Kim and I'm two years old).

We all have our breaking points - some of us break fast and furious, then get over it. Some of us are slow burners who eventually explode, spewing forth every injustice they've encountered for days, weeks, even months. Some of us are a combination of the two, depending on the day. I mean, I'm not going to waste a good stomp/slam/throw over something trivial. Most days, I can laugh it off. Sometimes, I can laugh it off after about 10 minutes. But today was not one of those days.

And if I stop for a minute and do a little deep breathing and soul searching, I know exactly what it is. It's not because my pizza stuck to the stupid baking stone.

It's that there is a huge hole in me and it will never be filled again. How do I articulate this and make people understand why I go all black mood at the drop of a hat, when I don't even understand? I'm tired of feeling this way, I'm tired of apologizing for behaving so childishly, I'm tired of giving off the "leave me alone" vibe when I just want someone to hug me and pat my head and tell me it will be all right, and I want to believe that it will be all right, I really do.

I do not want to live my life this way, but as much as I try to bury my feelings of cynicism and distrust deep down and focus on my many blessings, Deep Down is giving them back me saying "yeah, good luck with that." Undeterred, I shove them back down and slam the door in their faces, double-locking it. I dust off my hands and say, "there, that'll show them." But like cockroaches and leggings, they refuse to go away quietly. Slowly they churn under the pressure, little tendrils of black start to seep out through the cracks, and KA-BLOOEY!

And so we have come full circle.


minniemama68 said...

I'd say you deserve to have a full-blown hissy fit whenever you want. Life has dealt you quite a blow and if this is the way you blow off steam, so be it. So go throw something and let down your guard. We'll be here waiting (and ducking) till you get done and back.

Zip n Tizzy said...

Quite frankly, I'm amazed that it doesn't happen more often. I know I just know you from your writing. I don't know what it's like to live the day in, day out with you, but, as I've said before, you've done an amazing job with what you've been dealt.
Losing your daughters is a pain that will never go away, but, you are living your life, and for Maddy and Craig, and all the people in your life who love you, that is an incredible act of love and devotion.
I honestly don't think the void will ever be filled, but I think it will eventually be less raw. The important thing is to continue to surround yourself with loved ones and to be easy on yourself when the grief hits.
Here's a virtual hug - If I lived nearby I'd give you a real one.

Frogdsancer said...

It's only been a year. That's not a long time in the big scheme of things. Just cut yourself some slack. You're not doing it to deliberately milk the situation.... that'd be a different kettle of fish. So sometimes pizza dishes are in danger... so what?

Jaelithe said...

You are absolutely entitled to black moods and fits over pizza pans. Really.

If you did not have occasional attacks of sadness and anger over what you have lost I would worry that you were abnormal.

I had a minor breakdown the other day over burnt muffins, which I was NOT even entitled to, simply because I am a human being who sometimes feels overwhelmed and does silly things.

I want to be as together and graceful as you are when I grow up.

Cricky said...

I've never had a great pressure release but once Nicholas died, my pressure release kind of blew it's lid.

My friends and family just accept it and move on and often I hear them say "if she gets mad for no reason, wooo boy! You better watch out!" (or some other redneckism)

I don't want to be this way. I want to go back to the days when I could be mad for a few minutes and focus that anger. Now I'm kind of all over the place when I get mad at anything.

willtherebecake said...

"like cockroaches and leggings" - LOVE IT!

Also I just wanted to say that despite all of your frustration, you write really well.

Usually when that sort of mood hits me, I just have a drink. But I'm not inclined to recommend that to people as I could be sued for causing someone to become an alcoholic. And I don't like to be sued.

Krys72599 said...

As long as you react appropriately when someone pats you on the head and says everything will be okay, you can have as many ka-blooey fits you want! It's when you *say* you want comfort but explode when someone tries - *that's* when you hurt the ones you love and who love you...
I know, I've done it.
I want the comfort, truly I do, but in the midst of my meltdown? I totally lose it and the comfort isn't really what I want at.that.second.
I want time to churn back to when what hurts didn't, 'cause it hadn't happened yet, and no one can do that for me. Or for you.
So just blow up. Apologize. And don't hold on to the pain and anger voluntarily.

My Life My Life My Life said...

Hugs lady...big hugs.

Cindy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cindy said...

I read your blog almost daily, and think you are SO together!! You have dealt with the unimaginable loss of two beautiful young women with such grace, it's truly amazing to me.

You need to cut yourself some slack and realize it's o.k. to have a meltdown now and then. Those who love you will understand if you explain it to them.

I lost 3 premature girls (1 set of twins/1 single) shortly after birth, and that was unbearable. I can not imagine what the pain of losing them, after having spent their lifetime loving and raising them, must be like.

My prayers and thoughts are with you. HUGS too!

jodifur said...

This is an amazing post.

We have all felt this way about something, but I have never seen anyone write is so eloquently.

Hang in there. The only way out is through.

Gregg said...

I seriously can't imagine. It's frustrating, too, that I don't know what to say!

MaLeah said...

I say you are entitled to a good fit whenever you want to throw one! I will be thinking of you. I am proud of you for carrying on for Maddy. If you need a good pick me up, come see my little bundle.
Newborn kisses, even "virtual" ones are the best!

Marrdy said...

I think you deserve many a hissy fit. But I can understand how those who live with you and love you can be caught off guard. And they do love you and they try to understand, but they never will. They have never lost like you have. You have your hissy fits and I know those home folks will still love you. Take care.

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

I've been thinking about this for days and the only thing I can ask you is, when was the last time you played hooky with Maddy? Maybe you need a girls day, a fun day, and not another manic -day.