Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Post In Which I Reveal That I May Have a Problem

This should come as no suprise to you - I think I might be depressed.

I'll wait until you recover your composure...uh, yeah. I know. Shocking revelation. (And on the off chance someone wants to flame me for inferring that I'm making fun of depression, I'm not. I use humor, albeit sometimes inapproriate humor, to deal.)

I'm tired but I can't sleep. When I do sleep, I don't want to get up. I can't get motivated. I can't concentrate. I'm making dumb mistakes at work. I'm eating everything in sight, and then when I try not to eat, I just eat more, and then feel like shit because I'm eating too much. Rinse, repeat. Nothing is fun to me, and when I realize I am having fun, I feel guilty. I miss them like hell and damn it, I don't want to deal with this anymore. I just can't. But I have to because I have no other option. So here I am. One hot mess.

Before the girls died, I was seeing a therapist for my divorce. I should have kept seeing her, but I didn't. I don't know why. Well, I do know why. I know there's something wrong and I don't think I need to be a medical professional to figure this one out. Even WebMD agrees with me. But to have someone confirm it, that scares me. Because I don't want to be medicated. I feel like a zombie sometimes already. I don't want to numb this pain but I'm tired of it insinuating itself into my life. Some days I can tell myself "get up, get moving, you can do this," and I do. But other days, and they are starting to be more frequent, I tell myself to go to hell, I don't wanna. And I don't. But instead of feeling better, I feel worse, because I feel like a failure. And the cycle just continues around again.

I thought coming back to work would cure what ails me. It would make me get up and get dressed. I do get up and I do get dressed but I just don't care anymore. My clothes don't fit and instead of telling myself "stop with the chips" I tell myself "I'll go shopping." I love to shop, but dude, that's not me. I'm too vain to buy a bigger size. I haven't yet, but it's tempting.

As I was writing this, I called my therapist and left a message to schedule an appointment. In the meantime, I will try to keep in mind that I can do this, but I can't do it alone. Maybe that's what is bothering me the most. I'm not as tough as I thought I was. No, it's admitting that I'm not as tough as I thought I was. And isn't that how the joke goes? The first step is admitting you have a problem.


A Buns Life said...

I know I've got one and yet I'm not making the call yet. I've been on meds before (after my dad died) and maybe it was the wrong dose or the wrong kind or I didn't stick with it long enough, but I didn't feel anything on them. I quit taking them so I could at least "feel" again. I'm glad you called your therapist. That's the first step. If you need meds, work with the doc to find the right dosage....I read so many other blogs where the women just LOVE their happy pills. I do WANT those happy pills.....just not the ones that make me feel nothing, which is what it sounds like you want to. BIG HUGS to you. You can and you will be ok, this is just hard stuff you are dealing with and you can't expect yourself to "be over it." That's not going to happen, it's just going to hurt a little bit less as time goes on.

amanda said...

You are so strong. I am so glad you made the phone call. I have 2 daughters, 10 and 8, and work off that exit -- I think about you every time I drive. I am so glad you called the therapist.

I too, am seeing a therapist to get through a divorce, though neither the therapist or the husband or even me knows that is why yet.

Good luck and prayers

dp350z said...

Speaking from experience ( I went through some depression and my wife went through PTSD) make sure you like and trust your therapist. There are also a bunch of different medications out there so if one doesn't work or makes you feel worse you can try another one. Your therapist will be able to help you with it. You also don't have to take them forever. My wife only took them for six or seven months to get her over the hump and hasn't needed them since (that was eight years ago). I resisted because I thought I was a tough guy and could do it myself without any help, but my wife (Kim) put best by saying " If you had a headache you would take aspirin wouldn't you?". She probably called me a name also but I can't remember which one.
Just remember there are a whole bunch of us out here praying for you.

She who said...

I do speak from experience. I lost a child and I spiraled into depression to the point where I just didn't function. I considered it a good day if I got the boys off to school and got a shower.

You are a very strong woman. Right now you have so many burdens that you need to find a way to lighten the mental load you are carrying. Work with the therapist to avoid the straw breaking the camels back syndrome.

You also are probably feeling the weakest you have ever felt in your life. You are NOT weak, just carrying too much on your shoulders by yourself right now.

The grief you are experiencing can and does bring on depression. Just don't let it get so bad that you are immobilized.

I did it alone for too many years. The therapist and some meds brought me back. I am out of therapy and off the meds now. I still have blue days on occasion but I am now a functioning person again.

Until your appointment, take lots of deep breaths and exhale slowly. It will help calm you and allow you to focus better. With the nice days we are having go take some long fast paced walks. The fresh air and exercise will also help.

As always hand holding and hugs across the net.

Rebecca said...

i have a few different things here, from different perspectives.

from myself: i lost my dad suddenly, violently. i was depressed. i've been depressed again since. i've been on, and currently am on, meds. they get a bad rap. you still feel; it just takes the edge off so that you can address the depression and your grief more effectively. i encourage you to at least think about it in these terms, to recognize there are many options out there.

from my social worker self: therapy is healthy. i've been on both sides of the therapy room, and I'm proud that you've called your therapist again.

from my networking self: one of my best friends runs a grief program in Belleville. It's free, it offers a sense of community and an outlet. both you and your daughter could attend. they do awesome work. email me at rmercurio8 at aol dot com if you'd like to know more about it.

MamaB said...

I can't imagine how difficult this has to be on you. I like others am so glad you called your therapist and are taking the steps to address this with a level head. Thank you for reaching out to us in cyberspace to let us know what is going on. I hope you know there are many people out here that want to help, even if all we can do is leave a few kind words or pray for you.

You are doing what you need to do, taking action and taking control of what you can and I applaud you for that. Your very couragous for admitting that you have a "problem".

I don't know how much of this you have discussed with your daugher, but you might want to seek some family conciling as well so you can work through this together since your whole family dynamic has been drastically changed without warning. Take care, Hugs and prayers.

Frogdancer said...

I have no words of advice or wisdom...

thinking of you.

Andrea said...

You've suffered one of the biggest traumas a person can suffer, the loss of a child. That it's double for you is just that much worse. If you weren't a little depressed, it would be a miracle, and I don't think I'd buy that anyway if you tried to sell it to me.

I second Rebecca's suggestion that maybe a grief program would be beneficial in addition to a therapy appointment. Connecting to people who are going through the exact same thing may be enough to help you feel like you're not carrying this weight alone.

You're not weak. Were I in your shoes, I don't think I'd have even made it this far.

Zookeeper said...

There's no such thing as being tough enough when it comes to a loss like yours. I can't imagine going through what you have, especially alone. I am glad that you made that call. I think you will be too. Take care!

MP said...

you are one smart cookie..you know that?

Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with admitting you need help with your depression and getting help. You don't have to carry everything on your shoulders! It is not weakness to realize you need help--it is being strong and smart! It is hard to decide to take the medicine but once you do and see how much better you feel, you will continue taking it and you won't want to go back to that awful, dark place again. Also, please remember to continue to ask for help. I have trouble with that one too but there are people out there that care about you and want to help you--in fact, they would love to help! So, let them! Be humbled and find out how many people care and love you. It is really an awesome thing. I am thinking about you and praying for you!

Michelle said...

You truely do amaze me with your strength. That's right, I said strength. It takes strength to admit you do have a problem, and that's no joke.

I recently was diagnosed with depression and it was very difficult admitting it to myself, let alone my husband and finally making the call to my doctor. It's been 6 weeks that I've been on meds and I can't tell you how much better I feel and that I lived in a dark shadow for so long.

I don't expect this to happen for you so soon, because of the unbelievable experience of loosing your girls. Only time will help, but not completely heal. I don't think a parent ever gets over loosing a child. I don't think I would.

You are a great mom to Maddy and she knows that. You need to take care of yourself and calling the therapist is the right thing. I will always be thinking and praying for you and Maddy. And for every parent that has lost a child.

Lots of cyber hugs!!!

Jennifer said...

I know what you mean about thinking getting back to work would cure it. I suffered from mild depression for many years and dealt with it on my own. When it started to get worse after the birth of my third child, I was looking forward to moving to the new house that we were building, but once we got there, my depression/anxiety got worse. My husband-even though supportive-was like, "What the hell?!" I went to my family physician (although I know I would benefit from therapy) and she prescribed an anti-everything, as I called it, and it was amazing how good it made me feel. I'm sorry my comment is so long, but I want you to know that this med did not numb me or make me a zombie. It gave me energy and made me feel happy. I was playing with my daughter (hadn't done that in forever) and instead of just brushing her hair, I was braiding it and doing all sorts of cute stuff to it. I know that sounds stupid but it made me realize that I could enjoy life again and the little things like that. Blah Blah, anyway, I don't have to take them anymore but I know that it's available if I go through a tough time again and can't make it on my own. Tom Cruise can kiss my butt!

Christian's Mom said...


You know what I really like about you? You just throw it all out there. You are so honest...and reading that made me really proud of you (even though we've never met) because you know what? You are not a failure, you are not alone, and I think you'll find it a lot less lonely allowing yourself to just be human than trying to be an untouchable rock. Good for you for admitting all the ways your loss is affecting you, and good for you for not being "too tough" for therapy. We've never met, but I think about you all the time. Just wanted you to know that. Have fun on your trip!

News-Bitch said...

Kim, I have to echo that you are so strong. I saw that the personal responsible for what happened to your girls is being charged as of today... stay strong