I have never had as many comments on my blog as I have had in the last 24 hours. Thank you so much for your kind words, thoughts, prayers, and offers of help.
It's been a little over two weeks and it still hurts like hell. Sometimes I feel a sense of normalcy and then wham! Something reminds me that I'm so far from normal.
Rumor has it that there are five stages of grieving - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I'm fluctuating between denial and anger right now. Depression is knocking at my door, too. I refuse to let it in. Go away, I'm all stocked up right now.
Some people have said I'm being strong. I'll let you in on a secret - it's all an act. I figure if I fake it long enough I'll convince myself that I'm fine. I'm fine. I'M FINE! Yeah, not so much.
I started this blog for fun, and then I began to use it to help get through my divorce. I think I will use it now to post how I'm feeling, even if it doesn't make much sense.
22 comments:
Kim, I'm sorry that it took a tragedy for me to find your blog, but I'll tell you right now, I've subscribed to your blog feed and will be notified any time you update. I will come by to read, see how you're doing, offer support in any way I can. I actually don't live far from you (just a little way south of you by about 20 minutes), so if there's ever a time when you just don't want to be alone or feel you don't have someone to talk to, I am a phone call away. My email is littlebalddoctors at charter dot net (named after my own blog, thus the funky name) and I can give you my phone number there. I don't want to seem pushy or stalkerish, and I hope I don't come across that way, but I want to offer a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a hand to hold, should you need one.
The loss of family, particularly two beautiful girls with so much future ahead of them, shouldn't be borne alone.
I can vouch for Andrea, she's not a stalker.
If you need anything drop me a line.
- Dana
Kim, just remember that there is no right way to grieve. It is different for everyone. It goes in different orders for everyone. Not everyone feels the same things at the same time or in the same order. Sometimes, not every one feels the same things at all. Your grief is your own fluid process. There is no right or wrong. There is, however, the need for survival. Do what you need to do to survive. It's what I had to do after my dad commited suicide when I was 20 years old, and it's the only advice or words I can say. If you have (or will) considered counseling, I have an excellent recommendation.
I also read another mom's blog who recently lost her daughter this summer due to a horrible accident, even though I am not going through the same things, I look to her to help put life back into perspective. She is very honest in her grief and in when she has good days too. Maybe you will find some comfort in her words...
http://hannahandlily.blogspot.com/
Ditto with what Rebecca said, my dad too committed suicide and dealing with a sudden death of a close loved one is one of the most gut wrenching things I have had to deal with. It is a day by day, do whatever you have to do to survive process. I'll say what I hated to hear the most, but it's true. It does get better, and accept the help and love of others. Even us, complete strangers. Sometimes that is easier than from those that are so intimately involved. *hugs*
Unfortunately, it also took a tragedy for me to find you. I no longer blog because of stalkers (read sarcasm....long story) at work, but it's totally therapeutic. I have nothing worthwhile to say. Just hi.
Kim-
My heart aches for you and your family. All I can say is when your face gets kissed by the sun know that its your daughters saying good-morning, when you feel a sense of warmth know they are giving you a hug. When you dream about their beautiful faces take comfort that they are with you everyday and together waiting to embrace you again in the kingdom of heaven. My God bless you and comfort you.
OK...typed and retyped this many times. What to say? Nothing seems correct. Please know that I have added you to my prayer list and will keep you firmly planted there.
My heart aches for you. I am sorry for your loss and the ensuing pain.
Oh my gosh, I am so very sorry for you incredible loss. I don't think there are any right words I can say to you. But if there were some magic words, you'd better believe I'd typing them out to you right now.
Will be back to check on you again soon. Am adding you to my links list, if that's ok.
Andrea, Rebecca, Dana and Tamberlyn are incredibly sweet people. I hope that at some point we'll get to meet you in person. Of course, when you are feeling up for it.
Sending you hugs. And lots of them.
Hi Kim,
I don't know what to say. I will pray for you. Just know you are not alone.
Hi Kim,
Found you through Dana's site...
I'd just like to pop my head in and add one more name to the list of people who are thinking of you and praying for you.
I was actually going to suggest the same site "a buns life" did. It's not the same, but it may help you deal with some of the things you might be feeling.
Hugs to you.
There are a lot of local bloggers who would gladly be avalbile to you if you just wanna hang out- or yell or have a witness when you need to hurl something - we are all so very here for you - drop me a line raquita at gmail dot com if you need
http://blaquepen.com/wobl
As a momma out here in blogland, I'm sending you an enormous hug. You are being prayed for daily.
Bethany
Kim, I have been praying for you and thinking of you and your family since the tragedy was first reported on the news. Dana's blog led me to yours. Please know that even when you feel you are all alone and can't do this anymore, we are out here. If you need to vent, need to cry, need anything, let us know.
As a mother, my heart aches along with yours. Maybe by doing so, God will give me just a little of your grief so that your burden is lighter.
-Kim in St. Charles
I just found your blog and want to express my sincere condolensces on the loss of your children. I cannot begin to understand the grief you must be feeling. Just know that there is one more person thinking of you and if you are religious and you would like any prayers said for you and your family, please let me know.
Peace to you.
Cristina
-mommy605@hotmail.com
I hate to start reading some one's blog based on tragedy...that being said my heart goes out to you...I can not even imagine what you are going through but as a mother i DO know the amount of love that we mothers have...it has to be unimaginative. Again, my heart goes out to you.
kim, i'm thinking of you and your family. i don't know that anything else i have to say would do you much good, i just wanted to add my bloggy support to you.
Kim,
I'm deeply sorry for your loss. All the platitudes that could be said sound so clumsy and inprecise. Please know that many people are thinking of you and wish that something could be done to reverse time and space to give you your Christmas wish.
I cannot imagine anything more devastating than this. Please know that my heart and prayers are with you. I hope you have a good support system - family and friends - nearby to help you. Lean on them. I agree with the others - do whatever it takes to survive this. Find a professional counselor right away. I pray that you'll find comfort soon in your precious memories.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss and even though I don't know you I pray for you. So, if it's any comfort, just know that when you have those moments and days when you don't even have the strength to pray, there is this random stranger out there praying for you and on your behalf. May God grant you peace.
Kim,
I saw the story about your daughters on the news when it happened and was just sick about it. They were beautiful, beautiful girls...I don't have any words for you other that to say that we have prayed for you without knowing your name, and now we know your name...I will be checking in on you on your site and we will continue to pray for you and your 8 year-old. God bless you.
Karen
As I sit here at my computer I can physically feel my heart breaking into a million pieces for you and your daughter. I could never begin to understand how you must be feeling. I sit here and wonder how I would be able to keep it together for one of my children should such a tragedy occur in our lives and I can't even begin to fathom....
I will carry your Christmas wish forever in my thoughts. For every year and Christmas season to come I will think of you and wish for you that your heart is mending, that your overwhelming sense of loss and helplessness has subsided, and that you are finding peace.
-Sarah
Kim - you mention that people say you are so strong but you are just fakig it. In all actuality, you are living with courage! I lost my daughter in a tragic accident 4 years ago. Life will never be the same without her, but my husband and I have found the courage to live and the courage to have faith. Stay strong and know that you are not alone out there ... there are many of us putting up that brave front while falling apart inside. God Bless! Jen
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