My Hysteria - Let Me Show It To You

6:45 am - I am awakened by a tapping noise in the kitchen (which is just outside my bedroom). I figure it's the sleet hitting the windows so I go back to sleep for the precious 10 minutes I have left.

6:55 am - I am awakened by my babysitter calling to tell me that school has been cancelled and her road is pretty slippery. I call into work, and I hear the tapping noise again and figure it's the dog wanting out. I open the bedroom door and no dog. Weird. Must be a lot of sleet.

7:30 am - I am in my bedroom logging on to my work computer and I hear a thumping and scratching noise in the kitchen. I wonder what the heck the dog is doing, and I look - again, no dog. I'm a little concerned but figure it's the sleet or wind.

7:55 - I hear the thumping and scratching and I go look again and OHMYDEARLORDINHEAVEN it's coming from the WALL! WTF?

8:02 am - I call my boyfriend, who is at his office downtown. I know he can't do anything, it just makes me feel better to be freaked out around someone who knows I'm a freak. He tells me to call an exterminator. I start to say, Yeah, like they'll get out here anytime soon - it's sleeting and the roads are sheets of ice when I hear the noise again but this time it's louder and harder and banging and scratching on the wall and AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S COMING OUT OF THE WALL AHHHHHHH WHAT DO I DO???!!!!??? He has the audacity to ask me if I'm joking. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING I AM HUDDLED ON MY KITCHEN COUNTER WITH MY BUTT IN THE SINK I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! He asks me (in the slow calm voice people use on crazy people) honey, do you want to go to my house and get my gun? I say no, I'm not going to shoot up my wall! What if I miss and the creature gets out and runs amok and attacks me or Maddy or the dogs? He reminds me I need to fix the wall anyway (due to a beercan shaped hole caused by the XHB), and I say thank you for the suggestion but I will call a professional. AND OH MY GOD WHAT IF IT GETS OUT THROUGH THE HOLE (that is covered by a dry erase calendar board) OH DEAR LORD I FORGOT ABOUT THAT I'M CALLING THEM RIGHT NOW GOODBYE.

8:10 am - I call the first pest control company I can find. They don't handle animals, so they refer me to 1-800-CRITTER. Of course, why wouldn't that be the number? Marketing genius hard at work.

8:12 am - I contact a sweet girl at 1-800-CRITTER. Our conversation goes something like:

Critter Control: How many I help you?

Hysterical Female: Hi, I have something in my wall and it's freaking me out.

CC: It could be one of two things - mice or a squirrel. If it's mice we can put out poison, if you have small children or dogs you don't have to worry because it's in waxy blocks....

HF: AHHHHHHHHH IT'S NOT MICE IT'S HUGE IT'S SCRATCHING AND THUMPING AND OH MY GOD I WANT IT GONE!

CC: (Very calmly) Okay, ma'am, it's probably a squirrel. Now, once squirrels move in they think it's their home, so in order to remove them we need to trap them. I can set you up on our service where we will set traps and do a home inspection to see where they might be getting in, and we will check the traps once a week and....

HF: OH NO I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME I THINK IT'S GOING TO COME THROUGH THE WALL AHHHHHHHHHHH...... (and yes, I leaped backward up onto the counter again)

CC: (Very calmly) Ok ma'am, if you can hold on I will see if I can get a tech out there as soon as possible, ok?

HF: (sobbing helplessly) Thankyouthankyouthankyou

So, while I'm on hold the noise stops (0f course) and I relax a little bit and realize that this gal probably thinks I'm an idiot and I can just imagine her conversation with the tech.

CC: Uh, hi Bob. Look, I've got this freaked out lady on the phone and I know it's sleeting but can you go over there and bang around on her wall and scare this squirrel out of her house.

Bob: (Sigh). Did you charge her double?

CC: (Affronted) Of course not! That would just be wrong!

(Although at that point I would have handed them every credit card I owned to make this GO AWAY!!)

While I'm on hold I don't take my eyes off the wall because I know that effing flea infested furry rodent is going to stick it's head through the wall and knock that calendar off and I'll be staring into its beady eyes and be too paralyzed to run and about the time I'm thinking this I feel something touch my arm and I SCREAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM and turn around and it's Maddy. She is looking at me like I've lost my damn mind and I tell her there's something in the wall and she says "why don't we shoot it?" I ask her why shoot up the wall and she says "you have to fix it anyway."

What is with the NRA solutions today? Look, I don't have a gun, but if I did, you can bet your sweet bippy we'd be using it. And it's probably a good thing my dad hasn't let me have one of his shotguns, given my jumpy state of mind right now. I'd probably shoot the refrigerator if it made noise.

So, my rep from CC comes back on the phone and I apologize for screaming. I explain I'm alone with Maddy and it's scary when something is trying to come through your wall at you. She says she understands and assures me she'll get someone out there between 12-2 but if he can get out there earlier he will. I thankherthankherthankher.

So, as I sit here at 10:00 am, I haven't heard the noise for about an hour. Of course. The crafty little bastard heard me calling in the big guns, so to speak, and it packed up and left for friendlier territories. At least it better run away.