I'm not going to sugar coat it - this post was hard to write. I've struggled the last few days with the decision to post it. On one hand, posting about my daughters is therapeutic. On the other hand, it causes the pain to slam into me so hard I feel like I can't breathe.
I had a dream the other night that Jessica called me. I answered the phone and she started talking to me, like normal. "Hey, what are you doing?" (That was always her response to my "Hello.") I heard this in my dream and although I could hear her voice speaking, I don't know what she said after that because I was thinking "what the hell? She can't be calling me, she's dead." So when she stopped talking I said "where are you?" She said "me and Kelli are just hanging out. I hadn't talked to you in a while." I said, "Jessica, you can't be calling me." She asked "why not?" (in that 18-year old tone of voice that knows everything) and I started crying and I said "how's Kelli? Are you taking care of her?" And then I heard Kelli's voice say in the background "tell Mom I said hi."
Well, now I'm really crying (in the dream) and I said "Jessica, I don't know how to tell you this. You're dead, and so is Kelli. There was a car accident." And I heard her laugh that laugh that was genuine amusement (not the 18-year old I'm too cool to really laugh at my mom's jokes so I'll do this fake laugh) and she said "Whatever. Anyway, I've got to go, I'll talk to you later." And she was gone.
I woke up. I checked the Caller ID to see if her number was there. Of course it wasn't. I sat in the floor and cried. The kind of crying that hurts, and you can't catch your breath, and starts to border on hysterical. I didn't try to stop it, I just let it out. Strangely, I felt better when I was done.
I got back in bed and remembered that someone told me that when I dream about my girls it means they are visiting me. So I look at the dreams I have about them as little visits. It's cold comfort, but it's something.