Thursday, January 10, 2008

Dreams

I'm not going to sugar coat it - this post was hard to write. I've struggled the last few days with the decision to post it. On one hand, posting about my daughters is therapeutic. On the other hand, it causes the pain to slam into me so hard I feel like I can't breathe.

I had a dream the other night that Jessica called me. I answered the phone and she started talking to me, like normal. "Hey, what are you doing?" (That was always her response to my "Hello.") I heard this in my dream and although I could hear her voice speaking, I don't know what she said after that because I was thinking "what the hell? She can't be calling me, she's dead." So when she stopped talking I said "where are you?" She said "me and Kelli are just hanging out. I hadn't talked to you in a while." I said, "Jessica, you can't be calling me." She asked "why not?" (in that 18-year old tone of voice that knows everything) and I started crying and I said "how's Kelli? Are you taking care of her?" And then I heard Kelli's voice say in the background "tell Mom I said hi."

Well, now I'm really crying (in the dream) and I said "Jessica, I don't know how to tell you this. You're dead, and so is Kelli. There was a car accident." And I heard her laugh that laugh that was genuine amusement (not the 18-year old I'm too cool to really laugh at my mom's jokes so I'll do this fake laugh) and she said "Whatever. Anyway, I've got to go, I'll talk to you later." And she was gone.

I woke up. I checked the Caller ID to see if her number was there. Of course it wasn't. I sat in the floor and cried. The kind of crying that hurts, and you can't catch your breath, and starts to border on hysterical. I didn't try to stop it, I just let it out. Strangely, I felt better when I was done.

I got back in bed and remembered that someone told me that when I dream about my girls it means they are visiting me. So I look at the dreams I have about them as little visits. It's cold comfort, but it's something.

13 comments:

Becky said...

Kim,
Thank you for sharing your dream with us. As much as it hurt, its just one of the ways that your girls are letting you know their okay and doing what they can to sooth your hurt. I dream about my Dad who past over two years ago often, some times he talks to me, sometimes its just a brillant smile. It comforts me and I hope your girls will continue to come to you and Maddie so you can feel them all around you.

A Buns Life said...

I believe that it really was your girls trying to reach you and let you know that they are ok and together. I had a very similar dream after my dad committed suicide. It was about a month or so afterwards and there had been two "weird" events around my house that couldn't be explained, the tv in the LR turned on and there was no one else in the house but me, and my dad's chair was turned around facing the corner windows (it was a rocking swiveling recliner so the yorkie could have moved it when jumping off I guess) but later that week I had the dream. It was short and sweet, but he was sitting in his chair watching tv as he always did, and I asked him if he was ok. He said yes, he felt much better. It didn't hurt. (he shot himself) I was bawling in my dream and he said again that he was ok. I woke up and I was bawling, but felt more at peace than I had since the nightmare began. I held on to that dream for a long time. Hold on to hearing your girls voices and laughter and believe that they are in a better place together. They WERE reaching out to you, trying to give you a bit of peace.

Andrea said...

Oh Kim. That has to be hard, but it sounds to me like they were reaching out to you, letting you know they're okay and watching out for each other and for you and Maddy. Sometimes those snot-faced, blotchy skin, bleary eyed cries are the most cathartic, most healing cries, even if they do hurt sometimes. My thoughts are with you. Hang in there.

Frogdancer said...

I've got to say that I agree with everyone. I believe, after experiencing my Gran visiting me once after she died, that souls hang around for a while after they die, before they move on for good. (I'm not at all religious, but I know what I experienced....)

I'm glad the girls are together. Look after yourself and Maddie, and be happy again.

Sarah said...

Kim - I lost my brother 1 day after my birthday (August 6 he passed away).. he was 39, in decent health, and died from a severe allergic reaction to a fire ant bite. After administering 2 epi pens to himself, and several medical attempts to save him... Sounds unheard of to most... he was my rock, my best friend...

I can relate to your dream, I've had a similar one, only my brother came to my house to visit me. He sat on my couch with me, held my hands when I asked him why he left us... (he left behind 2 children, 15 and 9) he just held my hands tightly and said 'I never left you, I'm still right here with you.' I woke gasping for air... and I swear that I smelled him. His cologne scent. My husband doesn't wear cologne...

I've written several entries about him in my blog... since August... I've written nothing of this dream. You've almost inspired me to share it... although it's almost like it's my little strand of wonder... is he really coming to let me know he's ALWAYS with me in spirit?? I hope so. I miss him dearly. Thank you so much for sharing, I share your pain in a much different way...

God Bless...

Sarah

A Buns Life said...

hey, thanks for stopping by and saying hi today! :)

MP said...

Wow..I can't begin to imagine the emotions when you checked your caller ID..(I would have done the same). My mother (who knows everything) says that when you dream of them they are praying for you.. Not very often..but I too dream of people that are gone..it is a comfort..almost like stealing an extra minute or two..

Lynn said...

Hey girl, went to read your latest and realized I had missed two of them. I didn't want to tell you, but I had a dream about your beautiful girls the other night, too. I'll borrow some of that comfort, too. I never thought of the visit angle, that is actually somewhat nice to think about. I know it can't be the same as what you're going through, but I just wanted you to know how much I still miss the hell out of them, too. Love you

stefannyfanny said...

What a beautiful post. Count me in as someone who also believes dreams are a way of our loved ones checking in. I've had a couple of dreams where I've been visited by loved ones, and much like everyone else has written... It felt raw and real. And later wonderful.

Anonymous said...

Your girls are now in heaven together. I had the same dream when my dad died. When my father died everyone said in time you will hear from him. Sure enough I did. My father lets me know he is close to my heart in several ways. I am sure your daughters will do the same.

Abbie's mom said...

I remember after my husbands grandmother died I could smell her. In our house, at work, in the car. Sometimes just out of the blue and others when things were just REALLY bad. I know your daughters were there with you, knowing how much you love them.

theworldaccordingtogracie said...

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my son on November 26th, 2002. He was killed by a drunk driver. He had turned 18 a week before he was killed. It has destroyed my life in so many ways, but I just have to remember his smile and I realize just how blessed I was to have him in my world for 18 years. I, too, had many dreams with my son in them. Here is a link to my blog, so you can read my most favorite one. I think it will make you smile.
http://amomwithacamera.wordpress.com/

Please know that you are in my prayers. It is so hard to live without your loved ones.

Amy said...

My brother died at 20. Suicide. I have since dreamt about him reassuring me. I like to think he is there, somewhere.