Tuesday, January 29, 2008

What now?

Today I sent off the girls' life insurance claims and some other paperwork. I feel...weird. I don't have a word to use to express what I'm feeling.

I had to wait to file their life insurance claims and student loan paperwork until I got the death certificates. I had to wait for the coroner's hearing to get the death certificates. I finally got them Saturday and mailed everything off today. Seeing it in black and white - (long silence)

I guess I'm the kind of person that, in order to deal with something like this, I focus on the logistics and legalities of the situation. More analytical than emotional. Now, don't think I'm cold and robotic about this because believe me, I've got all kinds of emotions going on. So, maybe to deal with the swirling cosmos of anger, hate, disbelief, sadness, depression, shock, loneliness, frustration, and all feelings related thereto, I've been concentrating on the paperwork. Planning the visitation and the funeral, contacting family, contacting the schools and doctors and insurance companies - that all got me through the first couple of weeks.

I finally got the thank-you notes sent out last week. That was hard. The days following their deaths are kind of a blur, so seeing a sympathy card or a note or flower card made me remember, "oh yeah, he/she was here," or "oh, those were pretty flowers." I still have a few left that I need to find addresses for, but the majority of them are sent. (And all of the plants I kept are still alive, which is an accomplishment as well).

So what am I waiting for now? I thought I'd feel a sense of relief or closure, but I don't.

I wonder if the person at the life insurance company or the student loan company who processes the paperwork will realize how wonderful the children behind the piece of paper were in their oh-so-short lives.


Anonymous said...

Peace be with you and God Bless. I can't even fathom how difficult what you are going through is. Hang in there you are in my prayers.


Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

I don’t think there will be a single event that’ll cause you to feel a sense of relief or closure; it’s not one moment that you can pinpoint, but a series of moments over a long course of time that will bring these feelings to the surface.

janelle in il said...

I agree with jeannette's post. I/we lost a son many years ago to SIDS. The healing will come in "baby steps." The loss will always be there but the the pain will dull.
On a ranting note: Damn the bureaucracy of all the crap you are going through now.
You continue to be in my prayers.

Kelly said...

I'm your interviewer from "The Great Interview Experiment," and I was looking for an e-mail address for you so that I can send you your fabulous questions. But no luck. So...feel free to pop on over to my blog and send me a quick e-mail with your address, and I'll get them to you.
Thanks so much!
And looking forward to talking to you.

Jakki said...

Those people at the insurance company or the student loan people might not know but for those who did... they are better for it. Those that did KNOW what impact your daughters had on their lives and THAT impact forever will be.

Michelle said...

Warms thoughts and prayers being sent your way.
I wish there was something I could say....

A Buns Life said...

Just so you know, my husband works for one of those big bad insurance companies and he and he still will talk about some of the "insureds" and the background stories and whatnot. He has been in the industry for 15 years and he still takes a lot of things to heart. I'm not sure when or if you will ever feel closure, you will just feel less pain and overwhelming grief and be able to smile more when you think of them.

MP said...

i'm glad bunslife posted what she did..nice to know people are behind the paperwork on the other end..sucks that there even IS paperwork.. :-( HUGS

MP said...

ps..with this grand jury stuff..man, this has to be really difficult..i'm just shaking my head..major prayers and cyberhugs..