Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Countdown

Do you remember when you were younger, counting down the days until Christmas, or your birthday? When you got closer, every morning you would wake up and say "only x days left!"

I've got the reverse going right now. Today I woke up and thought "48 more days." This time last year I had 48 more days with them. It seems like a blink in time.

I can feel it stalking me - the pain, the heartache, the urge to run away. I can shut it out for a while, promising myself I'll deal with it when I can. I let the pain in when I'm alone, so I can go cry and throw things and wallow. It helps to relieve some of the pressure for a little while. I know it's going to get worse before it gets better.

I can get through this, I know I can. I survived this past year.

It's frustrating to know what is bothering me but yet I can't do a damn thing about it.

12 comments:

Zookeeper said...

I wish there was something I could do to help. I am so sorry for the heartache you're having.

Anonymous said...

Oh Baby..... I can only imagine your pain right now. Just know we're all here for you - whatever and whenever you need it... You are a strong, strong person - even though you have those days that you feel so weak. It's okay to meltdown once in awhile - just remember to pick yourself up again. That's what Jess & Kelli would want you to do!

Jill of All Trades said...

Big fat hug here.

Frogdancer said...

Yeah... every now and then I'll think, "November's coming up. That's gotta be hard."

One of my students was knocked down outside school yesterday. We think she's going to be fine, but she was carted off in an ambulance. These things happen in the blink of an eye.

Oh, and another thing.... in the name of all that's holy; NOT THE BOWLING HALL OF FAME. I'll go anywhere else with you...

Jill said...

I found the best place to let it out was when I was in the car by my self, no one to look at me and not know what to say, no one to have to be strong for, just me and the radio, crying away, then when I pulled up to where I was going I took a few moments to compose my self and I put it all back away. I know it scary to start to let it out because once you start you may not be able to stop, but some how in the car I could just let little bits and pieces out and nobody would know. (It probably wasn't very safe to drive like that)

Krys72599 said...

My mom's been through a lot of grief; she hasn't lost any children, but every other relative... And every time I think this just HAS to knock her down, she picks herself up and keeps on going. I pray that I have even an iota of her strength.
I think you'd fit right in to our family! You're a strong woman, and despite the hurt and the pain, your love for your girls will help you through it, and everyone else's love for your girls, and for you, will help you through it, too.
There are a lot of us out here, pulling for you!

Anonymous said...

I lost two cousins in a car accident in November 5 years ago. There have been many days since then that I find myself down and wondering why them, why our family, etc. I am sure you have experienced the same thing. Whether or not we want it to life goes on and there are times when I thought that was impossible, but somehow it does. I remember the first year after they were killed and dreading every special day and holiday knowing that they wouldn't be there, but always remember they are there with you in your heart. They are with you everywhere you go and they are watching over you. I know that you are a very strong woman considering everything that you have been through this year. God will give you the strength you need to get through the next several months and I will be praying for you!!

A Buns Life said...

You don't have to be strong all the time....whatever you do and how you get through it is the RIGHT way for you. hugs.

Raquita said...

When ever I think of you - I always see such a strong and beautiful woman, even in moments like this I can't help but see that. You are one of the strongest people I know..

I should totally send you a bellboy.

Marrdy said...

Kim-from the first time I clicked on your blog you have been an inspiration to me. You deserve to have a meltdown. You are such a strong person. I wish there was something the rest of us could do for you. For the time being we're here to at least listen to the words you write from your heart.

Zip n Tizzy said...

I've been thinking lots of you.
Sending you a big virtual hug!

Cricky said...

The anniversaries are always hard because it marks the passage of time. Time that you otherwise don't think about passing.

Each year when Nick's birthday and death date come around I find myself tensing up, dreading the passing, willing it to postpone it's self.

Then the day comes and I spend that day remembering my son, embracing my loss and pain, and thinking ahead to the future, when I will get to hold him again.