Friday, October 17, 2008

A Letter to God

Hey, God! How's it going? I know, it has been a long time, hasn't it? And I'll tell You why. Well, You probably already know, being all-knowing and whatnot.

The fact is - You hurt me, God. I'm not going to let You off the hook for this one. You took away something that was priceless and precious to me. You took away two wonderful young women from this world. For what?

I've thought about this for almost a year. I still don't see a point. I really have tried to understand what the hell You're thinking. Oh, I know, You have a "plan," and "all will be revealed," and things will be done on "Your time," not mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that. It still doesn't make it any easier to accept.

I'm not going to apologize for my past behavior. I would just ask that You understand my position, what with that omnipotent and all-forgiving thing you've got going on.

I think I'm ready to have a rational adult conversation with You. I admit, some of our past conversations have been a bit snippy on my part. Okay, snippy, snotty, pouty, accusatory, downright rude - pick a word. Oh, and one-sided - I seem to be the one doing all the screaming and railing and You just listen.

Anyway, I just wanted to write and tell you that I've decided I'm going to talk to You again. I can't guarantee that I won't still be angry and hurt and, well, pissed off, for lack of a better description. However, I have come to the conclusion that the only person who can answer my questions is You. So I better start paying attention again.

Tell Jessica and Kelli I said hi, I miss them, and I love them. Tell my mom and grandparents too.

See you Sunday.



jill said...

I don't know how many times I have had that same conversation with Him, but I still have not been able to get myself back to church on a regular bases. too many emotions come out when I've tried to go. I hope you do better than I have on getting the communication going!

A Buns Life said...

You are stronger than I would be....I'm not sure when I would be able to strike up that conversation again and be willing to listen. I'm proud of you.

My Life My Life My Life said...

my eyes filled with tears reading this. i've never had the pain your going through but i've felt and said the very same things to God (well dang, now the tears are coming) and asked WHAT gives. I sorta have my answers but sometimes the pain and anger from that time in my life comes back full force and I ask Him those very questions all over again.

Praying for your peace...

Becca said...

I've never experienced a loss like yours so I hesitate to comment.

But, have you heard of the book "The Shack"? It is about reconciliation to God after unspeakable tragedy.

I admire you for your strength. Thank you for sharing.

Marie said...

I can't think of anyone more entitled than you to have this conversation with God. He might "get it" but it would sure help if He helped us "get it" too. I can tell you that through all this cancer crap, I've rethought about my concept of God and a creator. I'm still working alot of it out. You seem to be on the right track of finding some answers.

Frogdancer said...

I hope you find a sense of peace.

The God thing isn't my bag, but anything that helps someone along is ok in my book.

(ps. Tell your friend congratulations!)

Raquita said...

This is me starting hte slow clap...



clap.... clap....
rousing applause.

you amaze me every day..

Zookeeper said...

I truly hope you find what you are looking for.

Anonymous said...

I read somewhere that our view of our life is from the perspective of standing in the middle of a huge quilt with a crazy design. It doesn't make sense from our viewpoint and maybe never will during our whole lifetime. BUT! God's view of our life quilt is a perfect plan that fits together as intended. We'll understand someday but maybe not until we get to heaven. Go ahead and rant to him, he's happy there's a dialogue. You still know he's there and still talk to him. Good stuff. I lost a spouse 7 yrs ago suddenly at a young age. The first 2-3 years were hell. Sending you good vibes. Love your blog.

MaLeah said...

What an honest and touching letter. I admire your willingness to talk to Him again! You are in my thoughts!

David said...

Hi Kim,
I have lurked for a while, but I feel compelled to share this information with you. I could not say this better. It is a Bible tract entitled,What Hope for Dead Loved Ones?

“If a man die, shall he live again?” asked the man Job long ago. (Job 14:14, King James Version) Perhaps you, too, have wondered about this. How would you feel if you knew that a reunion with your loved ones was possible right here on earth under the best of conditions?

Well, the Bible makes the promise: “Your dead ones will live. . . . They will rise up.” And the Bible also says: “The righteous themselves will possess the earth, and they will reside forever upon it.”—Isaiah 26:19; Psalm 37:29.

To have real confidence in such promises, we need to answer some basic questions: Why do people die? Where are the dead? And how can we be sure they can live again?

Death, and What Happens When We Die
The Bible makes it clear that God did not originally intend for humans to die. He created the first human pair Adam and Eve, placed them in an earthly paradise called Eden, and instructed them to have children and extend their Paradise home earth wide. They would die only if they disobeyed his instructions.—Genesis 1:28; 2:15-17.

Lacking appreciation for God’s kindness, Adam and Eve did disobey and were made to pay the prescribed penalty. “You [will] return to the ground,” God told Adam, “for out of it you were taken. For dust you are and to dust you will return.” (Genesis 3:19) Before his creation Adam did not exist; he was dust. And for his disobedience, or sin, Adam was sentenced to return to dust, to a state of nonexistence.

Death is thus an absence of life. The Bible draws the contrast: “The wages sin pays is death, but the gift God gives is everlasting life.” (Romans 6:23) Showing that death is a state of total unconsciousness, the Bible says: “For the living are conscious that they will die; but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all.” (Ecclesiastes 9:5) When a person dies, the Bible explains: “His spirit goes out, he goes back to his ground; in that day his thoughts do perish.”—Psalm 146:3, 4.

However, since only Adam and Eve disobeyed that command in Eden, why do we all die? It is because all of us were born after Adam’s disobedience, and so we all inherited sin and death from him. As the Bible explains: “Through one man [Adam] sin entered into the world and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men.”—Romans 5:12; Job 14:4.

Yet someone may ask: ‘Don’t humans have an immortal soul that survives death?’ Many have taught this, even saying that death is a doorway to another life. But that idea does not come from the Bible. Rather, God’s Word teaches that you are a soul, that your soul is really you, with all your physical and mental qualities. (Genesis 2:7; Jeremiah 2:34; Proverbs 2:10) Also, the Bible says: “The soul that is sinning—it itself will die.” (Ezekiel 18:4) Nowhere does the Bible teach that man has an immortal soul that survives the death of the body.

How Humans Can Live Again
After sin and death entered the world, God revealed that it was his purpose that the dead be restored to life by means of a resurrection. Thus the Bible explains: “Abraham . . . reckoned that God was able to raise [his son Isaac] up even from the dead.” (Hebrews 11:17-19) Abraham’s confidence was not misplaced, for the Bible says of the Almighty: “He is a God, not of the dead, but of the living, for they are all living to him.”—Luke 20:37, 38.

Yes, Almighty God has not only the power but also the desire to resurrect persons whom he chooses. Jesus Christ himself said: “Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out.”—John 5:28, 29; Acts 24:15.

Not long after saying this, Jesus met a funeral procession coming out of the Israelite city of Nain. The dead young man was the only child of a widow. On seeing her extreme grief, Jesus was moved with pity. So, addressing the corpse, he commanded: “Young man, I say to you, Get up!” And the man sat up, and Jesus gave him to his mother.—Luke 7:11-17.

As in the case of that widow, there was also great ecstasy when Jesus visited the home of Jairus, a presiding officer of the Jewish synagogue. His 12-year-old daughter had died. But when Jesus arrived at Jairus’ home, he went over to the dead child and said: “Girl, get up!” And she did!—Luke 8:40-56.

Later, Jesus’ friend Lazarus died. When Jesus arrived at his home, Lazarus had been dead for four days. Although deeply grieved, his sister Martha expressed hope, saying: “I know he will rise in the resurrection on the last day.” But Jesus went to the tomb, ordered the stone to be removed, and called: “Lazarus, come on out!” And he did!—John 11:11-44.
Now think about this: What was Lazarus’ condition during those four days he was dead? Lazarus did not say anything about being in a heaven of bliss or a hell of torment, which surely he would have done if he had been there. No, Lazarus was completely unconscious in death and would have remained so until “the resurrection on the last day” if Jesus had not then restored him to life.

It is true that these miracles of Jesus were of only temporary benefit, since those that he resurrected died again. However, he gave proof 1,900 years ago that, with God’s power, the dead really can live again! So by his miracles Jesus showed on a small scale what will take place on earth under the Kingdom of God.

When a Loved One Dies
When the enemy death strikes, your grief can be great, even though you may hope in the resurrection. Abraham had faith his wife would live again, yet we read that “Abraham came in to bewail Sarah and to weep over her.” (Genesis 23:2) And what about Jesus? When Lazarus died, he “groaned in the spirit and became troubled,” and shortly afterward he “gave way to tears.” (John 11:33, 35) So, when someone you love dies, it does not show weakness to cry.

When a child dies, it is particularly hard for the mother. Thus the Bible acknowledges the bitter grief that a mother can feel. (2 Kings 4:27) Of course, it is difficult for the bereaved father as well. “O that I might have died, I myself, instead of you,” lamented King David when his son Absalom died.—2 Samuel 18:33.

Yet, because you have confidence in the resurrection, your sorrow will not be unrelenting. As the Bible says, you will “not sorrow just as the rest also do who have no hope.” (1 Thessalonians 4:13) Rather, you will draw close to God in prayer, and the Bible promises that “he himself will sustain you.”—Psalm 55:22.

Lynn said...

Soon after your girls were ripped away from us, a dear friend told me the following when I told her I thought I should stop talking to God because I was using a lot words He wouldn't appreciate. She told me, "He already knows your hurt, your anger, and your pain. He not only can HANDLE your anger, hurt, and pain, He welcomes it. He can't handle it when we stop talking to Him."

He loves you, Kim, and I'm so glad you're still talking.

Marrdy said...

You continue to amaze me. I am glad that you have decided to give God a second chance. That has got to be a tough decision. You are one of the strongest people I know and I wish you sucess with your conversation.

Krys72599 said...

I do believe talking to Him again will help. I personally find something missing when I miss church on Sunday, and we're a far cry from "holy rollers" or "Bible-thumpers." We're just a couple of people who have lost a lot of family and friends, and we do get some comfort from visiting once a week and praying daily, usually just a short "Hey there, God, it's me" kind of prayer.
Hope you find your peace, too.

Gail said...

I hope you find the peace you need and deserve. I am more sure than anything, that this is the right path. I hope Sunday went well.
In the middle of a very stressful time in my life about 5 years ago, I was working on a computer for a collegue and she had printed out these words and taped them to her computer.... "If God brings you to it, He will get you through it." I'd never seen or heard that expression before, but I'm sure it was not a coincedence that it was there for me then. She had never had computer problems before that, and never had them again. It may be a cliche', but it's helped me many times.
It won't be long before Maddy will head out into the world as a young adult. I know from experience that you will ask God everyday to watch over her and guide her. And you will learn to trust Him again.
You continue to amaze me with your strength. I will keep you and Maddy in my prayers.

Shutter Bitch said...

If anyone has the reason to be a little cold shoulder stiff with God over the events dealt them, it's you. But I'm glad you decided to open up the dialog again. Maybe talking it through will help with the whole acceptance thing. I sure hope it does.

Also, I'm proud of you for being brave enough to face that conversation again. I'm not sure I would be ready to see reason were I in your shoes. AT least not yet.

Big hug, woman. You're amazing. *clapping with Raquita*

Kelli said...

Your strength is inspiring.